Reality
by NikkiP
Summary: Dallas's little sister is dealing with his and Johnny's death. Take into consideration the title of this story before you pass it by. This is no 'little sister goes crazy with grief and moves in with Curtis's' story. This is, in my opinion, how Dally's li
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Back to School**

I walked downstairs to get a cup of coffee before leaving for school. As I poured the steaming liquid into a preheated thermos I heard the front door open. I rolled my eyes as loud laughter filled the once silent living room. As I left the kitchen I was greeted by a very familiar sight. My mother sitting on the lap of yet another strange man.

"Oh honey, why are you still up? What time is it?" She said trying to focus on the clock that hung from the opposite wall. Finding that her eyes wouldn't let her she turned to me for an answer. I looked into her glazed eyes as she rocked back and forth due to the amount of alcohol she consumed and god knows what else she took last night.

"It's six in the morning ma" I said tonelessly.

"Oh sweetie, don't you have to be at school in few hours?" She said bringing her hand up to her cheek in a momentary display of maternal ness.

"No ma I have to be at school in thirty minutes. I just woke up about fifteen minutes ago and I'm running late." I said as I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door. "Where are you off to now Ava?" My mother said to my back as I opened the door letting in a crisp autumn breeze. I turned around in the door way looking at her distant eyes.

"I'm going to school ma, remember?" I said with an agitated sigh.

"Oh, alright honey. I'll see ya when ya get home." She said as she turned to the man whose lap she was sitting in and started kissing his neck. I let the door slam with a loud bang.

"Yeah right." I said under my breath as I walked down the cracked walkway to the street. When I get home from school all she'll be worried about is her hangover. She'll want total quiet. Which means I'll have to stay in one place, the slightest sound will set her off. I'll probably end up staying at the Dingo or the Nightly Double until she goes out for the night. Then tomorrow will be the same story, over and over. It never seems to end, never comes to a climax, it never changes. It's sad when your mother only acts like a mother when she's high or drunk. But then again, that's all I know, that's normal for me. What's normal anyways? Something you grew up with, something you've been conditioned to think? Nothing's normal, no one's normal, we're all lost in this fucked up world and trying to find something that will bring us closer to this perception of normality. An ice cold wind came out of nowhere blowing my jacket back and stinging my face. I reached around and zipped my jacket up as far as it would go, blocking out the coldness. In the process of this I lost my grip on the thermos and dropped it, spilling my coffee all over the street and shattering the tempered glass that kept my coffee warm.

"Damnit," I said out loud as I kicked the thermos across the street out of anger. I watched as it flew into someone's yard and heard the dull thud as it hit the ground. I kept walking with my hands stuffed into the pockets of my jeans. Now I'd have to stop at the DX and shell out a dime for a cup of coffee. I can't make it through the day without a cup of coffee in the morning.

I walked into the station and filled up a cup and paid for it. As I walked out the door I saw Sodapop jumping out of the truck. Darry hardly stopped to give him a chance to get out like a human being. He just slowed down long enough to let him hop out then speed off on his way to work. I nodded in greeting as I passed him, I'm not one to have conversation, even just in passing this early in the morning. I gave a heavy sigh and lit up a smoke when the school came into view. Good ol' Tulsa High. I gave a low cold laugh as I exhaled and walked through the cloud of smoke I had just blown out.

It seemed like years had gone by since I last laid eyes on this place. I remember walking out those doors two weeks ago without a care in the world. Yeah, there was my mom to deal with and the Socs, but that all seems so minimal now. I had my friends for companionship and my brother for protection. Now my friends are to busy giving me space so I can deal with everything to actually be there for me. And my brother, well, there's not really to much to say about him. He was tough, I had to give him that much credit. He was there for me in the only way he knew how to be. Which of course included threatening every guy that dared to look at me with his life. And the ones that were brave enough to try and date me got a good beating whenever our relationship ended. Even if it was me that ended the relationship it didn't matter. He always assumed that the guy had to have done something that hurt me for me to break up with him. It wasn't to long until word got around and only the toughest hoods dared to even talk to me. Guy's liked me well enough, until they heard my last name, then they were long gone. It didn't bother me to much though. I always looked up to my big brother.

When times got hard, and believe me they got really hard, he was always my rock. If a guy wasn't tough enough to stand up to my brother, then he wasn't tough enough to be with me. Some people say I'm a lot like him. But I don't see it, I could never be that though. I mean look at me, I'm standing out here walking around in circles, to scared to go into school. I'm to scared to face those people. People that will pity me, for what I've lost, and people that will hate me forever because of my last name and who my brother was. I shook my head as I crushed my cigarette with my worn out shoe. I took a deep breath and walked through the double doors and down the hall to my Homeroom. I might not be as tough as my brother was but I'm still Avalon Winston. Weather or not my brother is dead or alive I'm still his sister, and as long as I'm around nobody will ever forget him.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own Avalon and the plot….that is all.

This chapters kind of short with a bit of angst. It's starting off kind of slow but it picks up later. I promise. And thank you to the people that reviewed. Thanks to IAmOnlyMe for pointing out my grammar mistake. All constructive criticism is welcome.

**Chapter 2**

I tried to keep that frame of mind as I walked to my Homeroom, I was fifteen minutes late and I silently cursed my need for caffeine in the morning. I paused for a second outside the door of room 325. Taking a deep breath I grabbed the knob and turned it. I could hear everyone shift in their seats to see who was opening the door. I stepped inside to a sea of blank faces staring at me. A second later chatter broke out and they had to be silenced by the teacher.

"Quiet." Mrs. Baker said to the class before turning to me and smiling warmly. "Welcome back Ms. Winston. Please take your normal seat, as you can see, it has been

saved for you." I glanced around the room and saw that in fact my seat in the back row beside the window was indeed empty.

"Thanks" I said quietly and gave her a brief smile.

"Alright I'll take the last few minutes to give you an assignment that will be due tomorrow. I want you all to pick an article out of today's paper and cut it out to turn in to me." Mrs. Baker paused here to take a breath and the class breathed a sigh of relief thinking that was all the assignment entailed. "Along with an essay forming your opinion on the article." She finished as the class gave a groan in disappointment. "Miss Winston, seeing as this is your first day back you may omit this particular assignment." She said giving me a slightly sympathetic look. One of the girls in the front row raised her hand immediately.

"Yes Miss Porter?" She addressed the Socy looking girl.

"Why do we have to do it and she doesn't?" The girl said looking back at me with malice in her eyes. All of the greasers in the class sucked in a breath of disbelief and even some of the Socs had the decency to do the same.

"I am the teacher in this class and I have the authority to omit a student from an assignment if I decide to do so Ellen Porter." Mrs. Baker said with such venom that Ellen leaned back in her seat to escape the teachers fury. There was a moment of complete and utter silence. I let my head fall into my hands, I knew it would be like this. I took a deep

breath and tried to calm the beating of my heart. I knew what everyone was thinking about, but at the same time I knew that Ponyboy was going through the same thing in the very next room. Thankfully the bell rang and everyone got up to leave.

"Avalon, could I see you for a moment?" Mrs. Baker said as the room began to clear.

"Sure," I said walking up to her desk.

"I know you're going through a lot right now," She said and held her hand up to silence me as I began to protest. "I'm not trying to get you to talk about it or anything. I

just want to let you know that the school counselor wants to see you after your lunch break."

"Mrs. Baker, I now you're just trying to help but, I don't think I need counseling or anything. I'm not crazy." I said turning to leave.

"I figured you'd say that, but you won't be alone, Ponyboy will be there also. We thought you two are so close that you might want to go through the counseling together. And it's not your decision Avalon. As long as you go to this school that counseling session will be a required class." She said, disputing any argument I had left. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

"Alright." I said before walking out the door and to my locker.

I got out my books for second period Calculus. The rest of my day leading up to lunch went without any other disruptions. Besides the expected stares and whispers it went quiet well. However as lunch came closer and closer a knot began to form in my stomach. Mrs. Baker was right, me and Pony were good friends, although I hadn't seen him or heard from him since everything happened. I guess that was just as much my fault as it was his. I hadn't made an effort to get in touch with him. I didn't know what it was going to be like facing him. He was my best friend, but since my brother died it seems like my life has been turned upside down. I don't know how I can make it through the next moment, much less who my friends are. Who's been there for me these past two

weeks when I missed my brother? No one. Who was there when I visited his grave? No one. Who was there when I cried and wanted someone to talk to? No one. I mean, I know Pony was going through hard times also, he didn't just lose Dally, he lost Johnny too. Him and Johnny went through a lot together those last few days. But he had two brothers that loved and cared for him like no one else could. Who did I have? A drunken drug addicted mom that didn't even find it necessary to grieve for her son since she never really knew him the first place. Dally was the only person in this world that was always there for me no matter what happened. Who do I have now? No one.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I stood just outside the counselor's door clenching and unclenching my fists. I sighed letting my head fall back to look up at the ceiling. Try as I might I couldn't suppress the nauseous feeling in my stomach. I took a shaky breath and squared my shoulders. I opened the door to find Pony slouched down in a chair staring into space. When he looked at me he straightened a bit and I could see the pain in his eyes. He could never hide his emotions, even if he wanted to. That's what made him so different from the rest of us, he was totally content with being an open book. I lowered my head, I couldn't bare looking into his eyes seeing all the emotions that I felt but couldn't show. It was to intense.

"Ah, Miss Winston. Please, have a seat." The man behind the desk said motioning to the chair beside Pony. I sat down, and stared straight ahead.

"I'm Peter Sealy, but you can call me Peter, none of this Mr. Sealy business." He said with a chuckle. I gave a weak smile that didn't reach my eyes. We sat in silence for a few minutes with him shifting his gaze between me and Pony. I started getting anxious as

the minutes ticked away. I guess he finally realized that neither one of us was going to break the silence, so he did.

"I'm sorry, but I was under the impression that you two were really good friends." he said with a strange look in his eyes.

"We are" Pony and I said in unison. I glanced over at him and he gave me a small smile that calmed my anxious nerves.

"Then why aren't you acting like it?" He asked with curiosity. His question was answered with yet more silence.

"Did you two have a fight?" He asked. "Are mad at each other? Oh, I know, you two used to date each other." He said with realization. I couldn't help but laugh, Pony did as well.

"No" I said between laughs.

"We're just friends." Pony said trying to suppress his laughter. No one in their right mind would ever accuse me and Pony of dating.

"Ya'll seemed to not be on speaking terms when you came in" He said looking at us to respond. As if on queue the bell rang signaling us to get ready for our next class. Pony and I left together and walked down the hallway still laughing about Mr. Sealy's comment.

"That was great wasn't it?" He said nudging my shoulder with his.

"Yeah," I said smiling at him. "That's the first time I've laughed since…" I trailed off, and stared at the ground.

"Hey," Pony said prompting me to look at him. I noticed how moist his eyes were. "Me too." I smiled at him as the warning bell rang. We now had only five minutes to get to our next class.

"Meet me after school and we'll walk together." He said as he took off to Physics. I went in the opposite direction towards the gym.

I was surprised that I wasn't late. Gym was the only class I ever looked forward to, it was

more or less a free period and there were only a handful of Socs in it. When I walked into the gym I always felt more confident, I held my head a little higher. I was with my people, the hoods and greasers, the girls that wore way to much make up and the guys that liked it that way. I was in my element, I was respected. It wasn't necessarily me they respected or feared but that never bothered me before. Not until today when I walked in and heard the silence that fell on the room.

I'd never heard it so quiet in here, it was eerie. I never thought I'd see the day when I felt like I didn't belong in a room full of greasers. I forced myself not to look at the floor as I crossed the room. My footsteps echoed throughout the whole gym as I headed towards the far side where I always sat. As soon as I made it to my little corner I turned to survey the room. Sure enough no one had taken their eyes off me as I made my procession. As I began to make eye contact with every single one of them the staring stopped and the chatter broke out once again. I plopped down onto the bottom bleacher and leaned back to rest my arms on the second row. I kept my head up and a blank expression on my face as I continued to sweep my gaze over the room. There was a group of greaser girls on the other side of the bleachers, sitting on the very top row. Usually in between looking in mirrors and touching up their makeup, they'd be busy looking tough

and being loud to catch the attention of every boy possible. Right below them on the very bottom row there was a small group of Socs, boys and girls included. They always stayed in tight little cliques whenever they were out numbered. They usually used this time to their advantage, studying or doing homework. Directly behind me on the top row was a group of greasers. They always sat up there boasting about their latest fight or play fighting each other trying to be loud enough to catch the attention of the girls on the other side.

Today everyone seemed to be preoccupied, their normal routines thrown aside. They were all huddled together in tight little knots. Every once in awhile someone would sneak a glance at me, turning around quickly when they saw me staring right back at them. There was only one group that didn't fall prey to this childish act. Right in front of me across the gym floor was a group of five greasers and one girl. They were propped up in the corner, looking just as mean and tough as they really were. They were from Brumly, I only knew two of their names off the top of my head. One of the guys was Curly Shepherd and the girl was Angela. She and I locked eyes as she pulled away from the group and walked directly towards me. I could tell she was trying her best to look tough as she walked across the floor, but I saw the tiny smile beginning to form on her lips. She plopped down beside me and mimicked my posture.

"Thank God you're back." she said turning to me and smiling. She was the toughest girl I knew but she was also the sweetest. When she smiled it seemed to light up the whole room. I couldn't help but smile back.

"What? Did ya miss me?" I said with a grin.

"Hell yes, I don't know how I made it through without you here. I had to hang out with them." She said jerking her head towards her brother and his friends.

"I thought that was your scene, you and about 5 guys, sounds like the Angela I know." I said with a laugh. She punched me in the arm and laughed.

"Yeah, that's my scene alright, but there's just one problem. It usually doesn't involve my brother and his friends. How can you be such a perv Winston? Oh, yeah, we

can't forget who you brother is…" She stopped suddenly, closed her eyes and clinched her jaw together. I just looked at her, I wasn't angry, but she didn't know that.

"Damn Ava, I'm sorry, I just…" I cut her off.

"It's alright Angie, it's the truth, he was a perv." I said, not able to say his name out loud.

"Yeah," Angela said with a smile, " He was" I laughed and so did she. There was a few moments of silence after that, each of us remembering Dally in our own way.

"Come on" She said standing up and dragging me with her, "Lets go smoke." I happily walked outside with her.

"I'll race ya" She said taking off as we entered the small hallway that lead to the door.

"You cheater" I yelled after her as I began to catch up. If the hallway was longer I would have beat her, but she reached the door first and threw it open. I followed her out the door and almost ran right into her.

"Why'd you stop like that?" I said with a hint of irritation that turned to laughter as I saw one of her brothers friends picking himself up off the ground.

"Damn, are you o.k.?' I said through my laughter.

"I'm fine" He said glaring at Angie.

"Why don't you watch where your going?" He said through clenched teeth.

"I can't see through doors Larry, why was your dumb ass standing right in front of it in the first place?" She said trying to sound mad but not quit pulling it off through her laughter.

"Yeah, yeah, it's real funny" He said to her before lighting up a smoke. Angela and I lit one up as well. She looked at her watch and then scanned the parking lot.

"Waiting for someone?" I asked as I took a puff. She grinned as a car pulled into the parking lot and headed towards us.

"Yeah, my boyfriend," She said as she waved at the car. "You know I never stay all day on Fridays, I'm gonna get drunk and get ready to party. You wanna come?" She asked as she walked towards the car.

"Na, I'm supposed to meet Pony later." I said to her back.

"You're coming to my house tonight though right?" She asked and I hesitated. "Come on Ava you need a good party." She said sliding into the car and rolling down the window. "Will you be there?" She just had one of those faces you couldn't say no to.

"Yeah Ang, I'll be there." I said with a smile and a small laugh.

"HELL YEAH" She said throwing her arms up in the air as the car speed off. I smiled and shook my head leaning up against the wall. I listened to Curly and his friends tell dirty jokes and talk about recent fights. I laughed at the stories and felt like I really did belong, not just because I'm Dally's little sister, I felt like the real me belonged here.

Authors Note: Thanks to all of my reviewers and again constructive criticism is welcomed.


	4. Chapter 4

Authors Note: This Chapter is dedicated to IAmOnlyMe. All of her reviews have been most encouraging and uplifting. Oh and about the whole Shepherd/Shepard thing. I always get that mixed up because I'm kin to some Shepherd's and that's how they spell their last name, Shepherd. So I just always spell it that way because that's how my family spells it. Even though Tim, Curly, and Angela's last name is spelled Shepard. I just get the two confused. Thanks to all my other reviewers as well.

**Chapter 4**

I spotted Pony waiting for me outside the front doors. I walked up to him and we began the walk home in silence.

"How was your day?" I said after about five minutes.

"It was alright." He said with a shrug. "How was yours?"

"It was pretty good actually. A lot better than I'd thought it'd be." I said looking over at him.

"That's good." He said with a smile.

We walked in silence until we turned onto his street.

"There's a party at Angela and Curly's tonight. Wanna go?" I asked as we approached his house .

"I dunno." He said to the ground.

"Well, I'll come by on my way and see if you want to." I said not wanting to push it.

"Alright, see ya later." He said as I walked on down the street. I headed towards the Dingo, knowing what would happen if I went home and disturbed my mother. As I

walked into the Dingo I took a deep breath, I hadn't been here in two weeks preferring the privacy of my bedroom to anything else. I scanned the room, and spotted a free booth in the far corner, yeah it was a wrap around made for six or seven but that was the only unoccupied table. So I crawled into it sitting in the very center so I could see the people around me. It was something my brother taught me a few years ago, right here, in this very booth.

"_Why do we always sit in a corner Dally?" I asked as we sat down. He scanned the menu for a few seconds before answering. _

_"For people like us Ava a corner is the best place to be. If someone's looking to beat your ass, and there's always someone who is. If you're in a corner they have no choice but to come at you straight on. They can't sneak up behind you or blind sight you. That way you force them to come straight at your face. Savvy?" He said with a smile. _

_"Yeah, I dig. But if you don't like being jumped from behind then why do you do it to other people?" I said with a laugh. _

_"It's not my problem if they're stupid enough to let it happen. That's how it is, you have to be smarter than them. Always remember that Ava, you have to be one step ahead at all times." He smiled at me, one of those rare, unconditional smiles that siblings share on occasion between fighting with each other. _

"I dig Dally, I really dig." I said quietly to the table.

"It's hard to find a girl that really digs." I jerked my head up to see who was talking to me. I was met with the cold steal like gaze of Tim Shepard. I gave him a strained grin. I should have seen this coming him and Dally were best friends. I wasn't in the mood for condolences. He sat down without an invitation. I gave a low chuckle, him and Dally were a lot alike. I sat there in the strained silence waiting for him to say something. But he didn't. So I just sat there and as the minutes passed I started getting comfortable with his presence. Then the waitress came.

"Hey Tim." She giving him a look that I recognized. I've seen countless girls look

at my brother the same way. But he had to choose that bitch Sylvia that ran out on him whenever she got the chance. Dally loved her and for his sack I held my temper, but he was gone now and the next time I saw her she'd get the ass whopping she deserved.

"Hey, hey," Tim was snapping his fingers in front of my face. I shook my head and came back to reality.

"Sorry, what?" I said looking at him but not focusing on his face.

"I said do you want anything?" He pointed to the menu for emphasis.

"Oh." I shrugged, "Just a plain burger and fries with a coke." The waitress was staring daggers at me as she wrote down my order. I stared at her with an emotionless blank face. She glared at me with anger blatantly written all over her own face. I held her gaze until she dropped it and headed towards the kitchen. She came back a few seconds later with our drinks, she didn't even look at me but I continued to gaze at her until she left again. I heard Tim chuckle and turned my gaze upon him. Unlike her he didn't turn away from my stare, he met my eyes and held them with his own. A month ago I would have turned away abruptly. The stare would have made me to nervous. It still made my nerves jump but I wouldn't dare look away. I had to learn to do things on my own, from a simple stare down to protecting myself when it counts. I no longer had Dally, all I had

was myself.

"I never realized." He said shaking his head.

"You never realized what?" I asked.

"How much you and Dally are alike." I was taken aback by his forwardness. No one had dared to mention his name purposefully in my presents. I couldn't even mention it myself. It shocked me but it didn't anger me. I just laughed.

"We're nothing alike really." I said taking a sip of my coke.

"Yeah you are," he said nodding his head, "You just don't realize yet it is all."

"Whatever you wanna think Shepard." I said breaking eye contact and scanning the room. He, however, kept staring at me. I began to fidget under his gaze. My stomach twisted with nervousness.

"Hey," he said his voice rang through my thoughts and I looked up at him. "have you talked to Angela today?" He was drastically changing the subject and I was inwardly grateful.

"Yeah, she wants me to come over for the party tonight." I said as our food

arrived. He took a big bite of his burger, half of it was gone when he placed it back on his plate. I gave a small laugh as he swallowed it.

"You going?" He asked neglecting his straw and drinking half of his coke in a few gulps.

"Yeah," I said with a shrug. "Who can say no to Angie?" He laughed at my comment.

"True, there's not many who can." His eyes gave a human like twinkle when he talked about his sister. You could see the love there. I wondered weather Dally ever had that look in his eyes when he talked about me. I tried to put all thoughts of my brother out of my mind as I dug into my burger. I was to nervous to eat at lunch and I hadn't had breakfast so I was extremely hungry.

"So what time does it start?" I asked knowing full well there was never any set time for a party at the Shepard's.

"They've probably already started." He said with a snort as he finished off his burger. I got up, leaving mine half eaten. "That doesn't mean you have go now." He said finishing his coke and getting up.

"Oh no, I was just going home to do some homework and start getting ready." I said to his back as he paid for our meals. I reached in my pocket as we walked out and shoved some money into his hand.

"What's this for?" He said staring at me.

"My food." I said turning to walk off. He reached out and pulled me back before stuffing the money in my hand.

"Don't worry about it." He said, his mouth a thin stubborn line.

"Alright, I feel like getting drunk." I said shoving the money into his hand.

"What do you want?" he said not attempting to give me the money back.

"Tequila and beer." I said smiling at him. "I really wanna party." He returned my smile.

"Want to or need to?" He said his face turning serious again. I looked at the ground then back up at him.

"A little of both" I said directly, not feeling the need to lie about it.

"Understandable, I'll get what you want." He said dropping the money on the ground as he left. I picked it up, not wanting to leave money laying on the street when it could be in my pocket.

"Damnit Shepard" I yelled at his back. He waved his hand and kept on walking. I sighed and lit a smoke as I began to walk home. I puffed hard on my cigarette, I was pissed. I hated feeling like I owed people. Tim paid for my food, alright I could handle that. But on top of that he threw my money down and refused to take it, forcing me to let him pay for my alcohol. I'm not a dumb ass, I know guys and how they are. If he pays for things then he expects something in return. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm more than happy to pay them back. But Tim, I didn't expect that out of him, he's Dally's best friend. Dally isn't even cold in the ground yet and his supposed "best friend" is already tallying up points for owed favors. I shook my head and sat on the curb in front of my house. I lit up another smoke as I began to calm down. I inhaled deeply, and blew the smoke out. I'm over reacting, I've known Tim for years and years. As soon as we moved here him and Dally teamed up. It seemed like they each had a knack for attracting the toughest hoods around. He wouldn't do that to Dally, I knew he wouldn't. If I didn't just so happen to be Dally's little sister, then he probably would. But that's not the case. I stood up and walked up to the door. I opened it as quietly and slowly as possible trying

not to disturb my mom.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Hey honey, where ya been?" My mom said cheerfully as she walked out of her bedroom. She was dressed in a skirt shorter than any I owned. Her top stopped right under her breast showing off about five inches of skin and her belly button as well. She had on two inch hills that made her almost as tall as me. Her hair hung in long golden curls to the middle of her back. Big silver hoop earrings framed an aged but pretty face that was caked with makeup. I starred at her wide eyed.

"What time is it?" I asked glancing at the clock.

"Almost 5:30, you got somewhere to be tonight?" She asked checking her reflection in the mirror.

"Yeah, I…" A horn beeped outside and she grabbed her purse.

"That's nice honey you have a good time." She patted my arm as she flew out the door.

"I'm going to this party mom, the first one I've been to since my brother, you know, you're son, died." I said to the door as it swung back and closed with a loud bang. I rolled my eyes and headed up stairs to take a shower. After getting dressed and putting on

some makeup, I usually just do foundation and blush. But for parties I do the whole nine yards, eye liner, mascara, eye shadow, lip stick, lip gloss. Yeah I really cake it on when I'm going out. I looked in the mirror and smiled. I could look like a real greaser girl when I wanted to. As I looked into the mirror there was something missing.  
"Aha" I said reaching for some gel and quickly rolling my damp hair. I walked down stairs and grabbed a beer out of the fridge and sat at the table. I lit up a smoke and drained half the beer while I waited for my hair to curl. I was half way through with my smoke when the phone rang. I got up to answer it praying that it had nothing to do with my mom.

"Hello" I said into the receiver.

"Hey" I sighed in relief at hearing Pony's voice.

"Hey Pony, what cha need?" I asked as I took a puff.

"I was just calling to let you know that I'm going to the movies with Soda and Steve. I didn't want you to go outta your way when I wasn't gonna be here."

"Oh, alright." I said.

"But after the movie we're gonna head on over to the party." I don't know if he was planning to say that or if he heard the disappointment in my voice.

"Oh, o.k. so I guess I'll see ya later then." I said before hanging up the phone. I grabbed another beer and a magazine. Twenty minutes later I was walking down the street

with yet another beer in my hand. I could hear the noise from a block away. I quickened my pace anticipating the fun I was gonna have at this party. I drained my beer and threw it across the street before walking into the house.

"WHERE'S THE BEER?" I yelled as I busted through the front door. I was answered by howls, cheers and cat calls.

"There's the Ava I know." Angela said placing a beer in my hand. "Wanna take a shot?"

"Hell yeah." I said following her into the kitchen. It wasn't quit as noisy in here. We took our shots and chased it with our beers before heading back out into the living

room. I smiled at Angela as she was yanked into the middle of the room where people were dancing. She always had a way with boys. I looked around the room, spotted a corner and walked over to it. Crossing my arms as I propped myself up. I wasn't like Angela, she loved the thrill of chasing guys. I always sat back and waited for them to come to me. I'm not trying to sound conceited or anything, sometimes they came, sometimes they didn't I just never went after them is all.

"Need another beer?" A guy asked me as he walked up. I recognized him as Larry, the guy that Angela hit with the door.

"Sure" I said as I studied his face, he wasn't bad looking at all. He smiled as he turned around and headed towards the kitchen. His body wasn't bad either. He was tall and lanky but he had a good build with semi broad shoulders that he held up straight when he walked. He had a cool toughness in his step. I smiled at his back maybe something could come of this, then again maybe not. If I get to drunk I might just fuck him and skip all the dating crap. I shrugged my shoulders and scanned the room again. My gaze stopped at the stairs, Tim was walking down and he didn't look happy. A girl followed close behind him. I recognized her as the waitress from the Dingo. She didn't look happy either. She stopped and glared at Tim, he glared right back. She turned

quickly and headed for the door, slamming it as hard as she could.

"Damn" I said to myself before looking back at Tim. He was looking at me as well with the same glare he gave that girl. I stared back at him with a blank face, wondering what I did to deserve his malice filled gaze. Larry chose that moment to step in front of me, blocking my view of Tim. I was thankful for that and smiled up at him as he handed me a beer.

"Thanks" I said.

"So, you enjoying yourself?" He said propping his left shoulder up against the wall so he was facing me.

"I am now." I said flirtatiously as I turned to face him. We stood there, talking about this and that for a few minutes.

"You wanna dance?" He asked.

"Na, I'm not drunk enough yet." I said and he laughed. "But I do wanna shot" I headed towards the kitchen and he followed me. I got the tequila out of the cabinet.

"So that's where they hide the good stuff." He said grinning.

"No, I just put it here so no one would get it. It's for me and Ang. I don't know where Tim hides the real good stuff. You can have a shot if you want." I said he shook his

head and I shrugged. "Suit yourself."

"I've had an eye on you for about a year now." He said with a small smile.

"Really? Why didn't you say something sooner." I said inching closer to him.

"I dunno, I guess I didn't feel like getting my head busted in by your brother." He smiled again and I took a step back.

"Oh, so you think that now's your chance huh?" I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. He gave me a strange look.

"Yeah, there's a lot of guys that always wanted a chance with you. Now that all that's happened there's gonna be a lot of guys after you. I just wanted to be the first." he said tilting his head to the side and coming closer to me. I took another step back.

"Are you drunk or something?" I asked him.

"No, I've only had two beers." He said still inching closer.

"If it's not the alcohol talking then please tell me that came out wrong." I said feeling the anger stir in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm just telling you the truth." He said still giving me a strange look.

"You mean to tell me that you were to scared to ask me out while my brother was around and now that he's gone you think I'm gonna give all of you pansy's a chance?" I was incredibly angry at this point.

"Pull in your fucking claws I'm just trying to make you feel better." He said. I had to laugh at that.

"You're a fucking stranger to me. Yeah I've seen you around but I don't know you and you don't know me. What makes you think I'm gonna spill my guts to you? What you want me to cry on your shoulder? You wanna whip my tears away and pat my back telling me it's gonna be o.k.? Oh, let me guess, after that we'll make mad passionate love and live happily ever after." I snorted. " Please, I don't need a fucking Prince Charming." He backed away after I got through, he kept backing and kept backing till he was leaning against the back door. It opened abruptly and he stumbled backwards and fell on the ground. I recognized Tim in the light from the kitchen. He helped Larry up and ushered him back inside.

"You have problems with doors don't you?" I said sarcastically as he walked back

into the living room. Tim was leaning on the counter grinning at me. In my anger I forgot about his fierce glare earlier.

"What?" I said pouring another shot of tequila.

"And you say you're nothing like your brother." he said as I drained the shot glass.

"I appreciate the endearment, but if I hear someone mention my brother one more fucking time tonight I'm gonna go crazy." I said pouring another shot and draining it.

"Why? It's good to talk about it." He said. I poured another shot.

"I don't want to talk about it" I said in a shaky voice as I brought the shot up to my mouth. He reached out and stopped me.

"You can't drink away the memory Avalon." he said as he took the shot glass out of my hand. I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. I walked past Tim and out the back door. He followed me. I sat down on the back steps and lit a smoke. He sat down and did the same.

"I just wanted to forget for one night. I wanted to not think about it for a few hours. I just wish that…" I trailed off.

"Things could go back to the way they used to be?" He finished. I looked over at him and smiled faintly.

"Yeah." I said. We sat there in silence and finished our smokes.

"Come on, I hear Angie calling you." he said standing up and walking back into the house. I followed and almost ran straight into Angela.

"Damn Ava, I've been looking everywhere for you, come on, lets take a shot." She said pouring one for both of us. I threw it back and smiled, starting to fill good. Tim may be right about not being able to drink away your memories. But I sure as hell am gonna try.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I placed both my hands on either side of Angela's hips and we fell in line with everyone else. I threw my head back and howled.

"EVERYBODY CONGA" I tried my best to pull off a Jamaican accent but failed miserably. I laughed and moved my lower body to the music, keeping my hands firmly on Angie's hips. We paraded around the living room a few times until Angie yelled for the leader to take it outside. We proceeded to parade around the house, hooting and hollering. Everyone got bored of the game quickly and fell out of line one by one to go pursue other exciting events. That left only me and Angela parading around the house by ourselves. We finally collapsed on the ground in pills of laughter playfully shoving each other. We laid there on the ground in the back yard looking up at the star speckled sky. I lit a smoke and handed it to her before lighting one for myself.

"Do you remember that time when we were younger." She said not taking her eyes off the sky.

"When we stole the cigarettes?" I asked knowing fully well that was what she was talking about.

"Yeah," She said with a grin. "They were so mad at us." We laughed at the same

time.

"Tim was so pissed at you." I said nudging her shoulder with mine.

"Tim?" She said sarcastically. "He wasn't near as mad as Dally." She nudged me back.

"Yeah, he was pretty mad." I said scanning the sky for the North Star.

"That's an understatement, he almost took your head off." She said.

"I guess that's when they realized that no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't keep us from being just like everyone else in this neighborhood." I said my eyes foggy with memory, or was it the alcohol?

"Yeah, but damn if they didn't keep trying." She said. "Tim still tries to this day." Her voice was full of pride when she spoke of her brother.

"He'll keep trying till the day he dies, just like my brother." My voice had the same pride as hers but it was coated with the raw emotion of my loss.

"He was a good guy, Dally was." She said, turning to look at me. I got up quickly, not liking where this conversation was headed.

"Yeah." I said pulling her up and heading towards the house. "I feel like another shot."

"Hey you two." Soda called as he got out of the car followed by Pony and Steve.

"Wow, so the Curtis' grace us with their presence." Angela said with a smile.

"Yeah, we figured we'd be old men by the time you were worthy of it, so we lowered our standards." Soda said laughing as Angie punched him in the arm.

"Ya'll ready to party?" I asked running around them then heading towards the house.

"She o.k.?" Soda asked in a loud voice.

"I heard that Sodapop and it's called TEQUILA" I said holding the door open for them.

"I gotta get me some of that." He said pulling the door closed as I tried to walk in. I pounded on it until he opened it back up.

"You're such an ass." I said playfully, laughing when he placed his hand over his heart as if he were fatally wounded. I scanned the room out of habit, something else I picked up from Dally. I stopped dead in my tracks as I zoned in on a girl that was straddling Larry. She had died blonde hair that was held in place by what looked like a whole bottle of hair spray. She put her hands on top of her head and I could see her gigantic boobs from behind her. She had a small frame that was barley covered with a skin tight skirt and a halter top. She turned her head to the side and I could see her profile perfectly. It was her alright, Sylvia. The name rang in my head as all the sounds of the party disappeared. A coat of blackness closed in from the corners of my eyes creating a tunnel with her at the center blocking out everyone else. I began to walk towards her for what seemed like miles but in reality was only a few feet.

She seemed to sense me zoning in on her because she turned around and met my gaze. I don't know what she saw in my eyes but whatever it was made her jump to her feet and take a step back. She most have realized that there was no escape so she jumped at me wanting to be the first to attack. It felt like slow motion as we collided in mid air. I couldn't tell you exactly what happened all I remember is a blur of nails and fists flying.

My heart was beating so hard it felt like my throat would explode with the rapidness of it. Every thought was pushed out of my mind, except for one thing, '_Kill her'_. The anger was so intense I couldn't feel anything else. I couldn't tell if she was hitting me or if I was hitting her. It felt like I was just punching air. I couldn't feel my fist connecting with anything solid. The next thing I remember is us being drug apart. It took two people to loosen the death grip that I had on her throat and peal my hands away. I remember the look on her face as a pale shade of blue began to spread from my hands up her throat. Her eyes were pleading for air and I could hear her choking and coughing as I was pulled out of the living room and into the kitchen. I was thrown into a chair and to my surprise Angela was tossed into one right beside me. Her hair was disheveled and her lip was swelling and bleeding profusely. There was blood coming from underneath her finger nails and little pieces of skin were hanging from a few of them. Her knuckles were blood

red and already beginning to swell. I looked at my own hands and they looked the same. My right forearm began to sting badly and I looked down to see huge teeth imprints there with blood oozing out slowly.

"She bit me, the bitch fucking bit me, look at this shit Ang." I said turning to her. She laughed despite her horrid looking state.

"You need to put something on that, there's no telling what that nasty slut has." She said getting up and grabbing the bottle of Tequila. I leaned over the sink and bit the inside of my lip to keep from crying out as the burning worsened. After we cleaned each other up we took another shot to calm our nerves then lit up smokes. Just then Tim walked into the kitchen.

"You wanna tell me what the fuck that was all about." He said looking from me to Angela. We remained silent under his angry gaze. "We'll stay here all fucking night till one of you wises up." He said taking a seat and staring at us. I was the first to break.

"Look Tim, that bitch had it coming to her and you know it." That was all I said on the matter.

"Well did it have to be at my fucking house?" He said "Those stains will never come up. And what did any of this have to do with you?" He looked Angela square in the eyes.

"One of Sylvia's friends jumped in and hit Avalon, you know just as well as I do that you would never let one of your friends get jumped if you could help it, and I feel the same way when it comes to my friends." He nodded his head seemingly through with his interrogation. He looked at me and shook his head.

"You never struck me as much of a fighter." He said getting up out of his chair. I shrugged.

"I gotta learn sometime." I said looking at the floor.

"And you say your nothing like…" He started.

"Don't say it." I said looking up into his eyes with a hint of anger. He threw his hands in the air and walked back into the living room chuckling to himself. I rolled my eyes and grabbed a beer out of the fridge.

"We're gonna be sore as shit in the morning." Angela said looking at my face, I knew it had to look just like hers or maybe even worse.

"Not as sore as they're gonna be" I said and we laughed. Sure enough the next

morning I woke up with a pounding headache and on top of that I could barely move.

I gingerly got out of bed and went into the bathroom.

"Damn" I said out loud to my reflection, I looked like shit.

"You look about how I feel." Angela said as she walked in and sat on the toilet.

"Well you don't look so hot either, come see." I said as she got up and walked to the mirror.

"Lest we look tough." She said laughing and I joined her.

"Yeah, we do." I said walking out of her room and down the stairs.

"Want something to eat?" She asked heading for the kitchen.

"Na, I better get home, I'll come by later though." I called over my shoulder as I headed out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

I walked into the house and headed for the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. I paused for a moment in the door way and stared at our kitchen table. I didn't recognize the man sitting there and it was strange to see him reading the news paper and drinking a cup of coffee. Never in my life had I seen one of my moms many men sitting at our kitchen table. They usually came in did their business and left. He sensed my presence, or more likely he heard me come in. I saw the friendly smile on his face turn into a grimace at the sight of me.

"Damn, kid" He said getting up and motioning for me to sit in the chair he was using. "Take a seat and I'll get you something to put on that." I stood there frozen in my spot. What the hell was he getting at? But I shrugged it off and took a seat. He took a raw steak out of the refrigerator and put it in my hand. I just sat there starring at it as he poured himself another cup of coffee. I starred at his still half full cup on the table, damn, now he's just dirtying up some more dishes for me to wash.

"Here." He said placing the cup in front of me. I stared up at him with a blank face, not quit knowing how to react to this.

"You have to hold it on your eye." He said bringing my hand up so the cold steak was placed directly on my swollen eye before taking a seat across from me. I took a long

drink of coffee and peered at him with my one visible eye from over the rim of the cup. He gave me a wide smile and took a sip from his cup then picked up the newspaper. I couldn't hold my tongue any longer.

"Who the hell are you and what are you doing here?" I said in a stern but confused voice. He calmly sat his coffee and paper down neatly before answering me.

"You're mom got into a bit of trouble last night, I was there to help." He said looking directly into my eyes. I snorted and rolled my eyes.

"Surprise, surprise." I said sarcastically. He gave a half grin and his eyes turned sympathetic.

"It happens a lot doesn't it?" he asked.

"More than you could imagine." I said before I could catch myself. He didn't looked shocked at my response, he just quietly considered it.

"Let me get a look at that eye." He said getting up and coming towards me, I jumped up and backed away.

"It's alright." I said not letting him get close to me.

"O.k., I'll take your word for it." he said sitting back down and picking up his paper. I slowly sat back down in my chair and sipped gingerly on my cup of coffee. After

a few agonizing minutes I realized he wasn't gonna leave on my account.

"What kind of trouble did my mom get in?" I said looking up at him. He neatly set his paper aside once again as he paused to consider my question.

"I'll give it to you straight," He said looking into my eyes. "She was drunk, really drunk, and high too. The guy she was with wouldn't keep his hands off her. She kept telling him to stop touching her, but he wouldn't. So I made him stop and kicked his ass in the process. Then I brought your mom home. She passed out right after she laid down. I spent the night on the couch, to make sure that bastard didn't decide to show up here." He stopped and I stared at him, momentarily speechless. I don't know how I could tell,

but I knew deep down that he wasn't lying to me. I knew the kind of creeps my mom dated. He might of called me a kid earlier but he wasn't treating me like one now, and I liked that.

"She just doesn't think," I said with a hint of anger. "She's never thought about the consequences."

"Maybe that'll change sometime, sometime soon." He said with a strange look on his face. I snorted loudly, bringing him out of his momentary fantasy.

"She'll never change." I said looking at him coldly.

"Everybody can change." He said meeting my stare head on.

"Look, you seem like a good guy, but what the hell do I know, I've known you for what, thirty minutes? I don't really know who you are and what you're like." I said hastily.

"I am a good guy." He said defending himself.

"Well if you are you're the one that's gonna have to change. Cause my mom don't go for good guys." I said taking another sip of my coffee.

"Maybe because she hasn't had one yet." He said leisurely taking a sip from his

cup as well.

"That's the damn truth." I said with a laugh.

"Looks like she aint the only one that picks bad guys." He said looking at me seriously. I laughed out loud.

"I got into a fight with a girl, and if you think I look bad you should see her." I said with a hint of pride in my voice. "And her friend" I added wanting to give Angela credit for her part.

"So you whipped two at the same time?" He asked with a small smile on his face.

"Na, me and my best friend." I said staring at the table wondering what it was about this guy that made me say things I would never dream of confiding in a stranger.

"What were ya'll fighting about?" He asked curiously.

"Just stuff." I said with a shrug, not wanting divulge anymore information.

"I'm sure there's more to it than that but that's good enough for me." He said reclaiming his paper and disappearing behind it. I sat there and finished my coffee then got up.

"I'm going to take a shower and get dressed." I said heading out of the kitchen.

"Got big plans today." He said, his face still hidden behind the paper.

"Oh yeah, I'm booked solid for the rest of the year." I said sarcastically and headed upstairs followed by his booming laughter.

I wiped the fog off the mirror and smiled slightly at my reflection.

"I do look kinda tough." I said out loud before wrapping up in a towel and heading towards my room. After throwing on some cloths and deciding that makeup just wasn't an option I headed back towards the kitchen to grab a bite to eat. The phone rang as I was walking through the living room. I glanced at the clock 10 am who'd be calling this early I thought as I reached for the phone.

"Yeah?" I said into the receiver.

"Can I talk to Cindy?" A male voice said.

"No." I said "Who is this?"

"This is Joe, we've been seeing each other for a week." He said a little agitated.

"I can't keep up with all the guys she sees." I said laughing because he thought I'd remember him.

"Stop being a wise ass and put her on the phone." He said with anger.

"Sorry Joe," I said exaggerating his name. "But she's in bed. Probably still worn out from you trying to force yourself on her." I slammed the phone down and turned towards the kitchen. Before I could take one step the phone rang again.

"Yeah" I said picking up the phone, my voice was rigid from anger.

"Put your fucking mom on the phone you little shit, this has nothing to do with you." His voice was full of venom and slightly slurred.

"Look you drunk bastard. You can talk to my mom whenever the hell you want to. But I'm not waking her up for your sorry ass." I yelled slamming the phone down again. I took two deep breaths and turned to see that the guy from earlier was still here and leaning in the kitchen doorway.

"Who was that?" He said glancing at the phone.

"Joe" I said making a face and holding my hands up to make quotation marks. He gave a small laugh just as the phone rang again. I sucked in a deep breath. I hate when

people call and call and keep calling. I reached for the phone but he beat me to it.

"A smart man like you should know when to quit." He said his friendly voice turning cold and callous. There was a pause in the conversation and I saw his tight, stern face full of anger and loathing soften and relax once again. I small tinge of pink crept onto his cheeks. I wondered what brought on the sudden change in mannerisms.

"Oh, sorry about that son. I thought you were someone else." He said before handing me the phone and shrugging slightly. He was still blushing when he walked into the kitchen.

"Hello?" I said confused by this whole situation.

"Hey Ava, didn't think you would be home so early." Ponyboy said with a small laugh.

"Yeah well, I am" I said simply. He laughed.

"Who answered the phone?" He said curiously.

"Honestly Pony, I have no fucking idea." I said with confusion. There was a pause before he spoke.

"So your mom brought a new one home?" He said with a hint of worry.

"Yeah, but it's different. I don't know I'll explain it to ya later." I said hastily, not wanting to discuss it with him while the guy was in the other room.

"Everyone's out right now, why don't you come over?" He said.

"Alright" I said hanging up the phone and going into the kitchen. I made a bologna sandwich and stuffed half of it into my mouth.

"I guess I'll see ya." I said pulling the back door open.

"Hey," He said stopping me in mid step.

"You're mom told me she had a daughter but she never mentioned your name." he said looking at me expectantly.

"Avalon." I said looking at him then at the ground. She didn't mention having a son, I thought, my disbelief turning to anger in an instant.

"My name's Sean Callahan" He said looking at me with intense eyes. I met his gaze and gave a brief nod before walking out the door. I smoked three cigarettes on my way to Pony's. It didn't help, the anger just kept growing. How could my mom tell him about me and not mention one word about my brother. I racked my brain trying to form a good reason but as always I failed. My mom never had a good reason for the things she did. Even a remotely sane reason would have done. But she never had one of those either.

AN: Thank you again to all my reviewers. Your comments really mean a lot to me. I'm trying my best not to make Avalon a Mary Sue. So if you see something that strikes you as Mary Sueish please let me know. Also I know this chapter might seam kind of pointless but I wanted to give you a hint of what Avalon's home life is like. The next chapter is better I promise. Avalon finds out something she didn't know about her brothers death.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I tried to brush off my anger as I walked up and knocked on Pony's door.

"Why don't you just walk in like everyone else." He said opening the door for me as I entered the house.

"The only house I just walk into is mine." I said with a shrug.

"How you feelin? You look rough." He said with a slight grimace. One of Pony's best qualities is honesty.

"Well thanks, you're looking good too." I said with a laugh as he blushed slightly.

"I didn't mean, I, what I meant to say was…" He tripped over his words and I laughed even harder.

"It's o.k. I know what you meant." I assured him. We sat down on the couch and each lit a smoke. I settled more comfortably as the silence surrounded us. That's how it was with Pony and I liked it. We only spoke when we had something to say which wasn't all that often. We were totally content with a compatible silence that wasn't strained with eagerness to fill the gap. Pony cleared his throat and shifted.

"So, how are you doin?" He said. I knew exactly what he was getting at.

"As good as can be expected I guess." My reply came out in a slight whisper. I had my guard up with everyone else but with Pony my emotions became just as raw and visible as his.

"I know it's got to be hard. Dally was my buddy and so was Johnny." He was looking straight ahead.

"Johnny was just as much a brother to you as….Dally was to me." I had to force his name out. It was hard for me to say it and when I did my voice didn't sound like my own.

"Yeah, he was." Pony dropped his head to stare at the ground. I saw him blinking the tears back ferociously. I was surprised that I didn't have to do the same.

"Can I ask you something?" I said looking over at him and directly into his eyes.

"Sure." He said meeting my gaze. I took a deep breath, it had been gnawing at me since I got the call from the police to tell me and mom that Dally was dead.

"I know the police shot him, but they didn't give us to much information. Was he shooting at them or something." I never broke eye contact I knew Pony wouldn't lie to me.

"He wasn't shooting, the gun wasn't even loaded." He said after a long pause. I

could feel my face drop as the pure lunacy of it hit me.

"Dally knew it wasn't loaded?" I said trying to find a loop hole. Trying to find a sane reason for what my brother did.

"Yeah, he knew." Pony looked away from me and out the window. I sat back and lit another smoke. I couldn't totally grasp this new fact. I knew what Pony was telling me, my bother pointed an empty gun at the cops knowing full well that their guns were loaded. He pointed that gun at them knowing what would happen. He knew what the outcome was and that's what he wanted. Why? Why did he do it? He commented an unattached form of suicide. Did he once think about me? Did he once think of how his sudden and complete absence would turn my life upside down? Everything was running through my head so rapidly that I was dizzy despite the fact that I was sitting down. The

disbelief of it all just wouldn't sink in. I stood up and walked to the door, Pony met me halfway.

"You o.k.?" He said with moist eyes.

"I just need to be alone for a little bit." I said taking in his worried expression. "I'll be alright Ponyboy, unlike some people I do think of how my actions will effect others." My voice was extremely bitter but I didn't care.

I walked aimlessly down the street trying to analyze the situation but failing miserably. I can try my best to understand but I'll never be able to. My brother and I went through a lot of rough times together. It's funny sometimes when I think of how differently we both turned out. He was one cold hearted, mean as can be, low down hood. He robbed people, slit tires, hell I wouldn't be surprised if he was guilty of rape or even murder. But on top of all that he was my brother. I never once had to fear anyone or anything because I knew he would never let anything happen to me. That's why we were so different, he was a criminal because he had to be. I can't count how many times that stolen money put food in my mouth or clothes on my back. He was more than a brother to me, he was the only father figure I had in my life. He did his best by me so I wouldn't have to be a hood, so I wouldn't have to be like him.

Now everything's different, for the first time in my life I have to step up and look out for myself. It's sounds simple enough for someone in this neighborhood, we're notorious for our street smarts, for the ability of getting ourselves into really tight spots then getting out of them easily. I can relate to a portion of that. I'm great if not excellent at getting myself into trouble. But I've never, not even once had to get myself out of it. That was always Dally's job.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"Ava" A voice yelled snapping me back to reality. I turned to see Angela hanging off the porch railing of a near by house. I headed in that direction.

"Hey Ang." I said walking into the yard.

"Ben wanted me to come over this morning before his sister got home" She said wiggling her eyebrows suggestively as she hopped down the steps and pulled me back onto the sidewalk. I shook my head and laughed.

"How could anyone want to fuck you looking like that." I gave her a playful push.

"Fuck you Winston." She said laughing as well. "Have you looked into a mirror lately?"

"Na, with Pony around you don't need a mirror." I said sarcastically.

"Yeah, that kid always tells it like it is." She said.

"Yeah, I guess." I said looking down at the ground.

"Did he say something to you?" She asked looking at me intently. I shrugged my shoulders. "What'd he say?" She asked with a bit more force.

"Nothing really, just told me the truth about how… about what happened to my brother." I said my eyes never leaving the pavement.

"Well you had to find out sometime." She said shrugging her shoulders.

"Yeah I guess I did." I said looking up at the sky then back at Angie.

"So where's the party at tonight?" This subject switch instantly changed the atmosphere from forlorn to ecstatic.

"I don't know what everyone else is doing but I was planning on going to Bucks tonight." She said with huge grin.

"So you really wanna get ripped." I said with a smile of my own.

"Hell yeah Winston. You in?" She looked at me expectantly.

"Hell yeah Shepherd" I said laughing as she started her hollering. We stopped by the DX and got a coke. After bugging Soda and Steve for a few minutes we headed to Angela's house.

"You've had your eyes on Steve for a few months now Ang." I said taking a sip of my coke.

"It won't be to much longer." She said with a sly grin.

"I don't know if you'll be able to get this one." I said skeptically.

"Have you ever known me not to get what I want." She said it so simply and it was so true. I couldn't do anything but laugh. When we finally arrived at her house it was

almost 3 o'clock.

"What time does that party start?" I asked sitting down on the couch.

"It probably already has but I'm going at around 6 or 7." She went into the kitchen and emerged with two beers.

"What the hell are we gonna do till then?" I asked stretching out and laying down. Angela drained her beer and I did as well.

"How about a nap?" She said closing her eyes.

"Sounds good to me." After finding a comfortable position I was asleep in less than five minutes.

"Avalon" Angela yelled from upstairs. I rolled over onto my back and slowly opened my eyes.

"Yeah" I yelled back my voice still scratchy from sleep.

"We're supposed to leave in 30 minutes." She yelled back and I heard her walking around upstairs.

"Damn." I said to myself as I stretched.

"Big party at Bucks tonight." The voice seemed to come out of no where and I sat straight up. I regained my cool once I realized that Tim was sitting on the couch opposite of me watching T.V.

"Aren't all his parties big?" I said rolling my eyes. Tim gave a chuckle and nodded.

"Everyone's always there." He said looking at me then back at the television.

"And when did you start doing what everyone else does?" I said sarcastically, I'm never in the best mood right after I wake up. He looked up and smiled and I was glad he'd taken no real offence to my comment.

"When did you?" He said turning it around on me.

"Only real tough people hang out at Bucks." I said getting up and stretching again.

"What's that got to do with anything?" He said looking at me strangely. I just

shrugged my shoulders before heading upstairs. I borrowed some clothes from Angie and was dressed and ready in 15 minutes. I walked downstairs in search of my cigarettes. Upon finding them I lit one up and sat down. Tim was nowhere to be found and I didn't know weather to be relieved or disappointed. I settled on relieved as I took a deep draw form my smoke and relaxed in the silence. I felt my stomach contract as I thought about the party. I'd never been to one of Bucks parties, though I'd been to his house several times. Regardless to what everyone thinks it's not a round the clock party at his place. On the other hand when there is a party it's extremely wild. Yeah greasers attend and so do hoods but it mainly consists of criminals. So I was just a tad bit nervous. I was jarred form my thoughts as Angela bounced into the room looking gorgeous. I just stared at her in awe.

"You look real good Ang." I said taking in her face piled with makeup to hide the bruises.

"You don't, come on." She said dragging me up the stairs and throwing tons of makeup on my face.

"Wow, it makes a big difference." I said looking into the mirror.

"I'm great at hiding bruises and stuff. I get into to more fights than anyone I know." She said with a hint of pride in her voice.

"I have no problem doing my makeup normally. I've just never had to touch up a black eye or anything like that." I said feeling a slight bit inferior. There was a moment of silence and I wondered weather or not she heard the sternness in my voice.

"Let's go, it's getting late." She said jumping up and jogging downstairs. If it were anyone but Angela they would have looked like an idiot jogging around in a mini skirt and high hills. She however managed to look feminine and tough at the same time no matter what she was wearing. I followed her downstairs and into the kitchen. As I turned

the corner an object was hurled at my head. I caught it on pure instinct and sucked in a breath of relief.

"Damn Ang, you trying to kill me?" I said opening the beer and bringing it to my lips.

"No, wait." She said suddenly. "On the count of three, one, two…" She never said three she just started chugging so I followed suite and was done a good five seconds before she was. I laughed as she finished and slammed her bottle into the trash can out of anger.

"You might be better than me at lot of things, but I'll always out drink you." She shrugged and grabbed two more beers.

"Let me get a smoke." She said reaching for my pack and lighting one before I had a chance to respond.

"What's the plan? Are we gonna walk all the way to Bucks?" I said a little part of me hoping that she would change her mind about the party.

"Hell no, I'm to damn lazy to walk all the way there and what the hell would the walk home be like in the wee hours of the morning with both of us drunk off our asses. Tim's giving us a lift there and back." My heart sank a bit at this news. Tim always seemed like a good enough guy when we were younger. But here lately he made me

uncomfortable. We had just finished our beers when a horn blew outside. Angela quickly grabbed four beers and handed me two of them.

"Why'd you get four?" I asked as we walked out the door.

"Tim went to pick up Ben." She said opening the back door and sliding in next to him. I opened the door and sat down next to Tim in the passengers seat. It was a good fifteen minutes to Bucks place and I was thankful that Tim had the radio on the whole time. We all sang along to Elvis and Buddy Holly. There was no tension or conversation aside from the usual "I love this song" or "Turn it up."

When we pulled up the party was in full swing. There were people all over the yard and the porch. Some were puking and others were laughing at them. Some were even passed out already. The music was so loud you could barely make out that it was country music much less weather it was Hank Williams or George Strait or any other singer for that matter. As we went inside the noise was so loud you could barley hear the music. I quickly got separated from Angela and the others. The crowd was so thick I had to shoulder my way up to the bar. Thankfully there was an empty stool and I grabbed it quickly and sat down. I ordered a shot of Jack Daniels and a beer then spun around to look at the crowd of people. A fight had broken out in the far left hand corner of the room. The crowd of people quickly formed a circle around the two guys before Buck

intervened and told them to take it outside. I noticed that most of the crowd followed them. Now I could plainly see all across the room. Buck looked up and spotted me from the opposite wall where he was seemingly pinned by a little brunette. He leaned down and whispered something to her and she smiled up at him before frolicking upstairs. I shook my head giving him a half smile as he walked towards me. He propped up on the bar and stared straight ahead.

"Never thought I'd see you at one of these." He said still not looking at me.

"My brother would have killed me if I even thought about coming to one of your parties." He smiled and nodded.

"He sure would have. So what brings you around here now?" He said looking right at me.

"Just wanted some beer and some time with my friends." I said downing my shot and taking a long drink.

"Well, you got your beer, now where're your friends?" He walked around the bar and grabbed the whole bottle of Jack Daniels before sitting down across from me.

"I lost them in the crowd." I said with a shrug. He took a big swig form the bottle and I cringed a bit.

"What?" He said noticing my composure.

"How do you drink that stuff straight?" I said making a face. His laughter seemed to fill the room. He had this sudden booming kind of laugh that could scare the shit out of you if you weren't expecting it.

"You got a lot to learn kid." he said taking another drink. I tried my best not to get angry at this comment but I couldn't help it. I knew I had a lot to learn I didn't need people pointing that out to me. Buck saw my facial expression and quickly added. "Don't get your panties in a bunch I didn't mean nothin by it." I rolled my eyes and poured myself another shot.

"I aint tryin to get anything in a bunch. All I wanna do is have a good time." I said

throwing back the shot and quickly chasing it.

"Well don't have to much of a good time, hear?" He said getting up and taking the bottle with him. "You know where my room is if ya need anything." He climbed the stairs then disappeared. I looked around and the room was almost deserted. I got up and looked out the window. The fight had turned into an out right brawl and everyone was enjoying the show. Turning around I scanned the room there were a few couples scattered here and there but no one I knew. I walked to the bottom of the stairs and stared to climb them. Before I knew what I was doing I was standing outside one of the three doors in the narrow hallway. I touched it gingerly as a river of memories flowed through my mind. It's kinda funny how it takes the death of someone to truly realize who they were to you. I took a deep breath and grabbed the doorknob. I quietly slipped into the room and closed the door behind me. My eyes swept over the room quickly at first then slowly as I realized that nothing about it had changed. It was exactly as I had last seen it. Dally's favorite shirt was thrown over the back of a chair. Mismatched socks were scattered about. The window was still cracked from me smoking a cigarette as he told me what was happening with Pony and Johnny. The bed was still messed up from the last time he slept in it. I had been into his room at home many times, but it never hit me like this. I shouldn't have been surprised even though he spent most of his nights at our house he never thought of it

as home. This was his home, where he was most comfortable. This was where he was welcomed. I shivered even though it was quite warm in there. Buck had obviously not touched this room. I doubt he had even been in it, everything was exactly how I remembered it.

"_Don't lie to me Dally. You know where they are." I said looking into his eyes as sternly as I could. _

_"I know you're worried but you shouldn't be. They're safe, that's all that matters. _

_No one will ever find them." He said putting my stern look to shame as he gave me one of his own. I sighed and let my head fall into my hands. _

_"How can you not trust me? I'm your fucking sister." I said looking up at him. _

_"It's not that I don't trust you. I trust you more than anyone. I just don't want you to have to deal with all the shit the comes with that kind of information." He said staring me down in the process. _

_"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked in confusion. _

_"I know you Avalon, you see how worried Darry and Soda are, even though I know you'd never tell them where Pony is, its killing you to see them like that. It would especially if you know exactly where the boys are. The guilt would eat you alive. I'm not gonna put you through that." He said with a note of finality in his voice. I sighed knowing I was defeated. I lit a cigarette and cracked the window so the smoke wouldn't fill the small room._

Now here I was almost a month later, standing in the same room looking at the same bed I sat on while that conversation took place. The same chair that Dally sat on was still pulled up to the bed in the same position that he left it before he told me that he was going to see Pony and Johnny. I took a few deep breathes, trying to control the pain that filled my heart. Try as I might the pain took over and before I knew it I was curled up on the bed. I pulled the pillow over my face so my sobs wouldn't be heard. But the pain was so intense and the sobs so loud that I still heard them echo off the walls. I don't know how long I laid there with the same questions running through my head. I finally regained control and hauled myself up off the bed. Whipping my eyes I took a few deep shaky breaths before opening the door and heading towards the bathroom. After my breathing became normal once again I washed my face with cold water and went back downstairs. The fight had obviously stopped and everyone was crammed back inside. The noise seemed to have doubled with everyone recanting their views of the fight. My head was pounding and my vision was fuzzy from all the tears. I headed outside and lit up a cigarette. I looked up at the sky and marveled at how many stars were visible on the outskirts of town.

"Where'd you disappear to? Ang has been looking everywhere for ya." I looked back to see Tim standing in the doorway. I just shrugged my shoulders, not wanting to answer for fear that my voice would crack. He walked across the porch and handed me a beer. I took it and downed half of it. He just stood there silently beside me. I gave a half smile. It was funny how I seemed to be growing accustomed to his presence.

"Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself." He said sarcastically. I gave a weak smile and nodded.

"Oh, yeah." I said looking at the ground.

"I can take you home if you want." He said taking another drink from his beer.

"There's no point really." I said drinking the rest of my beer. I turned my head to find him staring at me. There was a hint of concern in his eyes.

"Alright, that's enough of this shit, lets go find Ang and some more alcohol." I said with a wide smile.

"Sounds good to me." He said holding the door open for me as I walked back into

the party.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Four beers and two shots later I was feeling like my old self again. Angela had a big fight with Ben because she caught him kissing some slut. So she was in revenge mode as she gazed over the party looking for the right guy to get back at him with. I was doing some gazing of my own. It'd been awhile and I was ready to get back in the game. I didn't have to look for long, I spotted him standing alone by the bar. Sammy Lorenzo was one of us but he was a loner. He didn't hang out with anyone in particular but he was friendly with everyone. He was some what of a celebrity with the girls. Most of them had already been with him and had nothing but good things to say. He was supposedly a god in bed. I smiled shyly and slightly bit my bottom lip as I approached him. He cocked his head to the side and gave me a sexy smile when he saw me heading his way.

"How ya doin Sammy?" I said sweetly as I leaned on the bar.

"Good now that you're here." He said leaning towards me. I smiled and bit back a laugh. "You wanna drink?" He asked getting another one for himself.

"Na I'm good." I said draining my beer.

"Wanna get outta here?" He said draining his beer as well.

"Yeah." I said following him out and winking at Angela as I passed her.

"I'm to drunk to drive you home." Sammy said after we finished fucking our brains out.

"I wasn't gonna ask you to." I said giving him a smirk as I got dressed. I lit a smoke as soon as I got outside. 'What an asshole' I thought to myself as I walked towards the sidewalk. He was sober enough to drive me here. He really knows how to make a girl feel like a slut. I crossed my arms as the cool night breeze picked up. I couldn't blame him for thinking that. It was my actions that brought him to that conclusion. I didn't really know him only in passing. Then out of the blue I have sex with him. What would any guy think? He could have at least been concerned for my safety, making me walk home at 2 in the morning. It's not like I live across the fucking street. I took a right onto Wingfoot Trail and headed back to Bucks. It was a lot closer than my place and I knew the party would still be in full swing. It would be better crashing there than getting mugged on the

way to my house. It seemed like it took forever to walk back to Bucks when it was only a five minute drive to Sammy's place. I let out a sigh of relief when I turned to walk up his driveway. I hadn't realized how scared I was until that moment when the relief washed over me. I could still hear the music going and peoples loud voices. I smiled at the thought of another shot and a beer. I had gotten pretty sober during my walk back. I entered the house and came face to face with Angela.

"Damn, I didn't think I'd be seeing you anymore tonight. I already told Tim you hooked up with a guy. So you wouldn't be needing a ride home." She said swaying a bit to the left.

"I did but it wasn't an all night thing ya know." I said heading towards the bar. She followed.

"So how was it?" She asked. I laughed before taking my shot.

"Please, I don't know where all those rumors came from but his dick isn't as big as my…."

"Didn't have to much luck with ol' Sammy huh?" Tim butted in reaching for a beer.

"Na, I had luck alright, just not good luck." I said taking a drink.

"Well I don't know about you girls, and I really don't care. But I'm ready to call it a night. This parties dying out fast." He said looking around. I shrugged and drained my beer before grabbing another one for the road.

"I guess I'm ready to go." Angela said grabbing a beer as well. I threw back another shot before following them out the door.

"Oh shit." Ang said as we started down the stairs.

"Forget something?" I called to her as she walked back inside.

"Yeah, Ben." she yelled over her shoulder. Tim and I both laughed because we had completely forgotten about giving him a ride home. Tim lit a smoke as we waited for Angela to find Ben.

"So, have a good time tonight?" He asked, giving me a look that made me feel ten times more like a slut than Sammy's comment had.

"Yea I guess." I said with a shrug. There was a strained silence for awhile and I opened my beer and drained it. I can't really describe what I saw when I looked back up into his eyes. It wasn't condemnation or disappointment, it wasn't worry or anxiety. Whatever it was it made me feel like a piece of shit.

"What?" I said out of anger. "Oh you and Dally can fuck anyone that crosses your paths but if I do it I'm a whore right? If I do it I get judged. If I do it I get 'oh your so much better than that Ava, or 'you shouldn't let a guy treat you like that Ava'. All of ya'll can just kiss my ass." I said before walking back inside to get another beer for the road since I already drank my other one. I threw back another shot before heading back outside. Angela and Ben had made it back and had obviously made up from their fight earlier. I rolled my eyes as I slid into the passengers seat.

"Why'd you storm off like that?" Tim said keeping his eyes glued to the road.

"I was going to get this." I said raising my beer and giving it a little shake for emphasis.

"So that's the only reason? Your little explosion didn't have anything to do with it?" He still hadn't taken his eyes off the road.

"I don't like people judging me." I said staring out the window.

"I don't judge people." There was a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Well your eyes said something different." I opened my beer and took a long drink.

"What makes you think you know me that well?" He said the laughter gone from his voice.

"You were so close to my brother how can I not know you? Maybe not personally, but I know your mannerisms." I stated before draining my beer and tossing the empty bottle out the window.

"Obviously not as well as you think you do because I wasn't judging you." He said taking his eyes off the road and looking towards me. I turned to meet his gaze and

knew that he wasn't lying.

"Alright, maybe you weren't. Maybe I was to busy judging myself to realize that." I said with a shrug of my shoulders. He glanced at me and started to speak.

"What are ya'll yapping about?" Angela said as her and Ben came up for some air.

"Nothing." I said lighting up a smoke.

"Drop me and Ben off at his place, I'll be home later." Angela said as she took a cigarette from my pack.

"Later as in tomorrow afternoon." Tim said with a strained smile.

"Sure thing big brother." She said patting him on the back as she hopped out of the car.

"See ya later Ava, you're welcome to sleep in my bed tonight if you don't wanna go home." She yelled over her shoulder as she walked away from the car. Tim took off down the street and the car was filled with total silence. It was a weird feeling being alone with Tim in his car. Dally or Angela had always been with us before. It was never just me and him. I glanced over at him, he was as cool as a cucumber. So I tried my best to act just like he was, but I couldn't stop fidgeting. Then out of nowhere Tim burst out laughing. It was so sudden that I almost jumped out of my skin.

"What's so funny?" I asked him, a little angry at myself for being scared by his laugh.

"You can't honestly tell me that you're scared of me" He said, still laughing.

"Why the hell would I be scared of you?" I said with anger.

"I have no idea, but I thought I was gonna have to put a straight jacket on you to keep you still." He laughed again. I just smirked.

"You're the one that said I don't know you as well as I think I do." I turned to look out the window contemplating weather or not I should just go back to my house and deal with my drunk mother coming in at god knows what time in the morning with god knows who.

"Don't ever be scared of anybody and if you are, never let them know." he said getting serious again. "If I wanted to I could easily take advantage of you because of that comment."

He reminded me so much of Dally when he said that. I felt my chest tighten and my throat get raw. I sat silently until we pulled up to his house. He opened the door and started to walk in but I plopped down on the steps outside. The noise coming from the living room told my that Curly and his friends were still partying it up. I wasn't in the

mood for it at the moment. Pulling my legs up to my chest I rested my head on my knees. I played the events of the day over and over again in my mind. It seemed like years had gone by since Pony told me the truth of my brothers death. In reality it was only a few hours ago. I couldn't stop the flow of tears that escaped and truth be told I didn't want to. I wanted to cry until I died, until it didn't hurt anymore. I wanted to cry until I saw my brothers face again and heard his voice. But that was impossible so I cried even more. I didn't hear the front door open a few moments later. I didn't even realize someone was sitting beside me. Then all of a sudden there were arms around me. Strong arms that pulled me into a hard but comforting chest. In the midst of all my emotion I let myself believe that it was Dally holding me and stroking my back like he used to when I let my mothers behavior affect me, or when I missed New York in the early years. I just let it all

go. Then finally, as suddenly as the tears came they were gone and I was gasping for breath. I pulled back and wiped my eyes. Staring at the steps beneath my feet until my breathing became regular once again. I looked over to see Tim wiping his eyes just as I had. It dawned on me then that I wasn't the only person missing Dally. There were others that cared about him. There were others that felt his lose, maybe not as strongly as I did, but they felt it just the same. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone anymore.

"Want a smoke?" Tim asked in a husky voice that told me just how hard he had cried.

"Sure" I said hearing the same strained sound in my own voice. We sat there in silence for a few seconds. "Sorry about being so moody earlier." I said.

"It's understandable." He said looking up at the sky.

"What time is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes.

"Time to go to damn bed." He said standing up and proceeding to kick everyone out of the house. I stood in the corner of the porch watching the stream of kids walk out to pursue other exciting events. When the house was finally empty I walked in and sat on the couch. Tim was nowhere in sight so I made myself comfortable and turned on the TV.

"I'm sure Ang wouldn't mind you putting on some of her more comfortable

cloths." He said as he walked into the room. I looked up and felt the color rise in my cheeks. He was naked from the waist up with nothing but a pair of shorts on.

"I haven't decided weather or not I was gonna stay here tonight." I said looking back at the TV.

"Well I'm to tired and I'm about to be to drunk to drive you home, and you sure as hell aint gonna walk." He said stepping in front of the television so I couldn't avoid him.

"Alright, fine." I said getting up and walking up the stairs to Angela's room to change. When I walked back down stairs Tim was out cold on the couch. I smiled and draped a blanket over him before heading back up to Ang's room and passing out myself


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

When I woke up all I wanted was a cup of coffee. So I got up and got dressed then headed down stairs to fix one. I stopped suddenly in the kitchen door way. Tim was already up pouring himself a cup of hot coffee. I stared at his shirtless back and tried to chase away the thoughts that popped into my head at the sight. He had a scar that ran the length of his right shoulder blade and I had to fight the urge to walk up behind him and run my fingers down the ridged flesh.

"You can have a seat, I won't bite." He said with his back still to me. I shook myself out of my fantasy and walked to the table.

"Thanks" I said when he placed a cup of coffee in front of me.

"Yeah." He said taking a seat beside me and picking up the paper. I drank my coffee as quickly as I could then stood up.

"I guess I'll see ya around." I said heading towards the front door. The crumpling of papers and the scrap of a chair being pushed back made me pause as I reached for the doorknob. Tim walked out of the kitchen and grabbed his keys as he pulled on a tight

black shirt.

"I'll drop you off on my way to the Curtis'." He said walking towards me. I just shrugged and followed him to his car. We were almost to my house when something occurred to me.

"Do you know if Pony's home?" I asked as we came to a stop sign.

"He was when I talked to Darryl this morning." Tim said before revving his engine and taking off again.

"Would it be alright if I ride with you to the Curtis'." I asked as I lit a smoke.

"Sure." He said keeping his eyes on the road. We rode in silence until he pulled up to the DX. He put some gas in the car and went in to pay. I couldn't help but stare at his back while he walked away. Damnit, I said to myself. What the fuck is wrong with me. I jumped when Tim opened the door and slid in. He tossed something at me and I stared at the pack of cigarettes that rested on my lap.

"What's this for?" I asked picking them up.

"Angela smoked most of yours last night." He said before handing me a coke.

"Thanks" I said opening it and taking a long drink, I was really thirsty. Moments later we pulled up to Pony's. I followed Tim inside and scanned the room for Ponyboy

but he was nowhere in sight. Darry had finally managed to get a day off and invited Tim over for a game of football. I followed the guys outside to watch as I waited for Pony to get out of bed. At around 11 he walked outside and sat down on the steps next to me.

"Hey, when'd you get here?" He asked lighting up a smoke.

"About an hour ago. I didn't want you to worry about me after the way I stormed out yesterday." I said grabbing his cigarette and taking a puff off it.

"I did get kinda worried when I couldn't get a hold of you." he said watching Soda catch the ball and run it in for a touch down.

"Hey, when'd Shepherd get here?" He said noticing the hoods presence.

"Same time I did. I crashed at Angela's house last night and he was on his way

here so I bummed a ride." I took the last drink out of my now hot coke.

"So what about all this counselor shit? We gotta go back tomorrow ya know." He said taking his cigarette back from me.

"I don't know. I know we gotta go but I don't know that guy. I don't feel right being all open with a complete stranger." I chuckled remembering the comment about me and Pony dating.

"Sometimes it's easier to talk to a complete stranger." He said getting up. "I'm goin to take a shower." I smiled up at him before he walked back inside. As I watched the game I noticed how no matter what was going on my eyes always wondered to Tim. Whenever he made a good catch or a touchdown I found myself wanting to cheer for him. But I contained it and just sat there lazily smoking. Pony wanted to join the game after he got out of the shower so that left the teams uneven. And of course I was elected to join the opposite team. I was a decent at football but I hadn't played in forever so I was nervous about it. Fifteen minutes into the game I found my old stride. I wasn't as good at running as the guys but I could throw a ball pretty good. I would have to do if they wanted even teams. So I settled into the position of quarterback. By noon everyone was complaining of hunger so the game was put on hold. Tim volunteered to go to the store and pick up some bread and ham. I was out on the porch smoking when he came out of the house.

"You wanna ride along?" he asked jumping down the stairs.

"Sure" I said following him to his car.

"Is that a smile on your face?" He asked as he cranked up the car.

"Yeah." I said with a laugh.

"So you're actually enjoying yourself without the aid of alcohol?" He said with a smile of his own.

"Yeah, I am. What? Did you think it wasn't possible?" I said with a mock smirk. He laughed and turned on the radio. I smiled as I looked out the window. Maybe things are finally starting to get better.

After we got back to the Curtis' house there was an outright brawl for the sandwiches. As they were wrestling to get to the food I slipped by and fixed me two ham and cheese sandwiches and slipped back out of the kitchen just as the stampede began. I couldn't help but smile when Tim sat down beside me. After everyone was through eating and smoking we went back to the game. At around 5 o'clock Two Bit and Steve left to pursue blondes and brunettes. The rest of us settled in the living room with a cold beer and a cigarette. I sat there silently listening to everyone talk. I rested my head on the back of the couch and sighed. I was content for the first time in what seemed like forever. I must have

dozed off because the next thing I knew it was dark outside and the lamp had been turned on. Pony and Soda were in the middle of a poker game and Tim and Darry were no where to be seen. I glanced at the clock seeing that it was already 8 pm. I got up and stretched before draining the rest of my beer, grimacing as the hot liquid slid down my throat.

"The dead has risen." Soda said glancing over his shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm about to head home guys, I got school tomorrow." I said heading to the kitchen so I could throw my bottle away.

"I'll see ya tomorrow." Pony said as I walked back towards the front door.

"Alright." I said lighting a smoke as I stepped onto the porch.

"See ya'll later." I said spotting Tim and Darry.

"I was just leaving, I'll give ya a lift." Tim said patting Darry on the back and saying goodbye. I rubbed my eyes sleepily as Tim sped off. I took a five dollar bill out of my pocket and placed it on the dash.

"What's that for?" Tim said glancing at it.

"For being my taxi driver today." I said taking a drag off my smoke.

"Put it back in your pocket. I haven't went out of my way once." He said picking it up and tossing it at me. I felt the anger rise up as it had the other day when he wouldn't take my money.

"If you won't let me pay you back with money then what the hell do you want?" I spat at him. He slammed on the brakes and I had to catch myself for hitting the dash board.

"Let's get this straight. I don't want a damn thing from you alright. So you can get that shit out of your mind right now." He said with anger coating his voice.

"What the hell am I supposed to think? You never said anything more than "hey" to me before my brother died. Then all of a sudden you're there every time I turn around."

I don't know why I was so angry at him or why I was telling him all this. But I couldn't stop myself.

"It's good that you have your guard up Ava. But you don't have to keep it up with me. I'm just trying to look after you." He said accelerating once again. The rest of the ride to my house was silent.

"Thanks for the ride." I said getting out and slamming the door. I went to sleep that night hoping I would never see Tim Shepard again only to have him appear in all my dreams.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

After I got ready I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee. I was surprised to find my mom sitting at the table with the same guy that was here yesterday, John or Tom, something like that. No, Sean, that was it.

"Good morning sweetie. Want some breakfast?" My mom said getting up and heading towards the stove. Hell, I didn't even know she could cook.

"Na, I'm fine ma. Have a long night?" I asked pouring my coffee and sitting down at the table.

"Actually we got in at around midnight." Sean said glancing at my mom. That's when I noticed that her eyes weren't glazed, she was sober.

"I'm fixing you some eggs and toast weather you want it or not." She said as she proceeded to do so.

"If I don't leave soon I'll be late for school." I said glancing at the clock.

"You have time to eat, I'll take you to school on my way to work." Sean said sipping on his coffee. I wasn't fully awake yet and being to tired to argue I just shrugged.

After two cups of coffee and some breakfast I was feeling wide awake as I slid into the passengers seat of Sean's truck.

"Just to let you know, my intentions with your mom are honorable." He said cranking the truck up. I stared at him for a moment, taken aback by his statement.

"Yeah." It came out more sarcastically than I meant it to.

"I don't expect you to believe it just because I say it." He said as he pulled up to the school. I reached for the door handle. "I intend to prove it Avalon." he said as I got out of the truck. I chose to ignore that comment.

"Thanks for the lift." I said slamming the door a little to hard. We'll see, I thought to myself as I headed to my homeroom. The day passed by normally until after lunch when me and Pony had to meet with Mr. Sealy. I sat there, stone faced as Pony told him about what happened. I knew Pony would, he didn't mind sharing things with the world. I listened to his side of the story and didn't interrupt. Even when he told about how Dally pointed an unloaded gun at the cops. There was a long pause after he finished, Mr. Sealy wrote a lot during this time. Then he turned to me.

"Dally was your brother?" He said looking into my eyes but trying to look through them. I stared at him with an emotionless face.

"Yup." I said evenly. He scribbled some more notes and I rolled my eyes.

"What's your take on the situation?" He asked. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, he was staring at me and Pony was looking at the floor. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Pony's knows more about it than I do." I said getting up to walk out and thanking the Lord that the bell rang at that moment.

"You o.k.?" Pony asked jogging to catch up with me.

"Yeah, it's just that I'm trying to get over this shit and he wants me to fucking talk about it." I said angrily.

"That's just it, you're to busy trying to get over it to actually deal with it." He said stopping and looking at his feet. I was silent for a few seconds, I knew he was right, he was smart kid.

"Talking about it makes living it harder Ponyboy." I said walking off and not looking back. I headed towards the gym, thankful that he didn't follow me. After roll call the first place I headed was outside with Ang to smoke. I really needed a cigarette. I inhaled deeply as I began to loosen up, then lit another right after I flicked that one away.

"Damn chain smoker." Ang said with a laugh. I laughed to as I surveyed the parking lot. I spotted Curly and his friends huddled around a car parked in the middle of the street. I covered my face with one hand and hung my head as I realized that it was Tim's car.

"You o.k.?" Angela asked as I turned towards her, putting my back to the road.

"Yeah, it's just kinda chilly out here." I said rubbing my arms for emphasis.

"Let's go say hey to Tim, then we'll go in." She said standing up.

"Na, I'm really cold, I'll wait for you inside." I said heading for the door.

"When'd you get so thin blooded?" She yelled at my back, I just ignored her and kept walking. After the morning I'd had the last thing I wanted to do was face Tim Shepard. I walked into the gym and sat down on the lowest bleacher.

"Hey." A male voice said as he sat down beside me. I recognized Larry out of the corner of my eye.

"What do you want?" I asked keeping my gaze straight ahead.

"I wanted to apologize for the other night. I admit I came on way to strong." He said placing his elbows on his knees and leaning forward.

"That's an understatement." I said with a snort.

"Yeah, it is. I had a little to much to drink, ya know how that goes." He said trying to catch my eye.

"Yeah, right." I said tonelessly.

"Damn, if you don't make it hard for a guy to apologize." He said straightening up.

"Oh, is that what you call it?" I said looking straight at him.

"Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do." He said holding my gaze. I just stared at him waiting for his eyes to get intense, waiting for something to make me look away. But that didn't happen, he was the one that looked away. I felt a sense of accomplishment when he did.

"Apology excepted." I said still looking at him. "But, just to let you know. You're not gonna get anywhere with me." That made him look up at me.

"We'll see." He said before getting up and walking outside. I sneered at his

retreating back. Moments later he came back in with Curly and his crowd, Angela was leading the way. She walked towards me and sat down with a queer look on her face.

"What's wrong Ang?" I said looking at her, concerned.

"Nothing." She said not losing that wired look. I just shrugged and leaned back.

AN: Thank you so much for all the reviews. That's what keeps me going.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Pony was waiting for me when I walked out of school. We walked in silence as we normally did. Saying our goodbyes and heading in opposite directions when we came to our usual stop. The rest of the week unfolded just the same. Sean giving me a ride to school and mom fixing me breakfast every morning, avoiding Mr. Sealy's oncoming questions. I was happy when Friday came and Angela asked me if I wanted to leave early with her to start the party. I refused as usual then headed over there at around seven.

I hadn't drank anything all week, so I was keen on getting trashed. Ang was already reeling when I got there it wasn't long until she was throwing her guts up and leaving with Ben complaining about a headache and to much noise. I bid her goodbye before finishing my second beer and heading into the kitchen to hunt for some hard liquor. I smiled when I spotted a bottle of vodka on top of the refrigerator. I took it down and poured a shot, chasing it with another beer. I took a seat at the table in the far corner of the room with the bottle in front of me. I lit a smoke and leaned back, barley noticing

all the kids that walked through to the back yard and vice versa. I stared at the table, letting my mind take me to the dark place I always went when I thought about my brother. I poured another shot, then another and yet another one. I was oblivious to the time now, I no longer heard the noise from the other room. I was to wrapped up in my own little world of memories. Last weekend seemed so long ago. How could I have possibly thought things were getting better? How could I have thought that one good day would take all the pain away? In that moment it did, but what does that do for me now?

"You've put a dent in that bottle." I looked up through glazed eyes to see Tim standing over me. I slowly looked down at the bottle and saw that almost half of it was gone.

"Damn, I sure did." I said standing up and swaying slightly. He reached out to steady me. "I'm fine." I said as I stepped back and began to sway even more.

"I think you've had enough." He said with a laugh as he took the bottle and sat it back in it's place.

"Yeah." I said as the room started spinning. "I need some air." I headed out the kitchen door and leaned on the porch railing for support. I felt like I was gonna throw up but lit another smoke quickly, it calmed my stomach. I pushed myself off the railing and moved to sit on the steps. I stumbled over my own feet and would have busted my head in

if Tim hadn't caught me. He sat me down then took a seat beside me. I stared up at the sky for a few minutes. I loved looking at the stars, especially when I was drunk. It seemed different somehow.

"I don't know why I drink so much." I said still swaying despite the fact that I was sitting down.

"I think you do. You just don't want to admit it." Tim said, I looked over at him, he seemed to be just as drunk as I was, but he held his composure.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I said slumping against the porch. He just nodded and there was more silence. When he didn't push the subject I relaxed a bit more. I have

no idea how long we sat there. Maybe it was all the alcohol but I actually began to grow accustomed to his presence once again. I relaxed a bit more as the minutes passed. I found myself inching closer to him when the wind blew and cut through my thin jacket like frozen needles. No matter how cold it felt I didn't want to go inside. If we went back inside this moment would be lost. This was the closest I'd felt to anyone, even when Dally was alive. It didn't matter that no words were spoken in those minutes that I would come to realize were hours. I don't know how it happened, but I suddenly realized that his arm was draped over my shoulder. Whenever a strong gust of wind whipped by he held me closer, trying to keep the brunt of it off me. I complied and inched as close to him as I could get without sitting in his lap. I looked up at him and his face was so close to mine I could feel his breath on my lips. His eyes were fixed on mine and once again I couldn't describe what I saw in them. I don't know if I leaned closer or if he did. All I know is that suddenly our lips were touching and he tasted so good. Some how I realized that we were standing up and I was moving backwards until I felt the side of the house against my spin. My hands flew up to run my fingers through his hair. I felt his hand cupping the back of my neck while his other applied pressure to my lower back bringing me closer to him. I gladly pressed myself up against his hard chest as the kiss deepened. Finally we both

pulled away, gasping for breath with our foreheads pressed against each others. I could feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest against mine and was sure he could feel it as well. His back muscles rippled under my palms as he placed his hands on the house, enclosing my head with his forearms.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He said, his voice ridged with emotion, or was it lust?

"I could ask you the same question." I said with a sly smile, regaining my composure and becoming the cold, calculating girl once again. His clouded eyes became clear as he took a quick step back. He had a look on his face that didn't quit suit him, it was indecision and regret. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's reading guys especially in a situation like this. I saw the battle he was fighting within himself. That's when I did something I never thought I'd do. I walked away from a sure thing. I could have gotten him to fuck me right then, but for the first time in my life I didn't want that, not from him. For the first time in my life I saw a guy second guess his desire.

"I gotta go." I said looking at him one last time before walking down the steps and heading to the front yard. I walked out onto the side walk and down the street. When I turned the corner I stumbled and fell. I laid there on the sidewalk thinking about how

stupid it was for me to leave while I was still so drunk. I hauled myself up and started walking again. It seemed like it took me forever to get home but finally, there I was, in front of my house. Mom wasn't home and it was around 2 in the morning. I figured she finally got rid of Sean and went back to bar hopping. I collapsed in my bed and instantly passed out.

"Do you know what time it is? Get your ass outta bed Avalon." Said a familiar voice. I groaned and snuggled deeper under the covers only to have them ripped off.

"Damnit." I said struggling to open my eyes through the pounding in my head.

"Take a few of these." Angela said handing me some aspirin and a cup of coffee.

"Thanks." I said sitting up and moving over so she could sit down as well.

"Why'd you run off last night? I thought for sure you'd crash in my bed." She said looking at me strangely.

"The noise started getting to me." I said with a shrug.

"You know I can tell when you're hiding something from me. So why are you trying?" She said staring at me for a second before lighting up a smoke. I did the same.

"Why do you think I'm hiding something?" I asked taking a long drag.

"Did you and Tim have an argument or something? Did he step outta line? Cause if he did I'll cuss his ass out." She said steadily gazing at me.

"What makes you think that?" I asked.

"He's just been acting funny. I asked him where you were this morning and he got pissed, said he had no fucking idea. I was just wondering." She said before hauling me up outta bed. "Go take a shower and lets get something to eat." I did as she asked, I really did need to wash the smell of vodka off me. I looked at the clock while I was getting dressed, 1:30 pm. Damn I did sleep late. My mom still wasn't home and there wasn't much to eat in the house so we settled on going to the Dingo.

"So, what are the plans for tonight?" I asked before diving into my burger.

"Word is Two-Bit's mom's outta town so there's supposed to be a huge party at

his place." She informed me.

"Sounds good, they'll be plenty of booze with Two-Bit there." I said with a laugh.

"Fight!" Someone yelled and instantly everyone was up and out in the parking lot. Ang and I were lucky that we were so fast, we had a front row view. The first people I recognized were Tim and two of the Brumly Boys. I glanced at Angela and she had a murderous look on her face. If something went wrong I knew she would be beside her brother in a second. We stood there and watched Tim and his boys squared off with three guys I didn't know. I looked at Tim and saw that his expression wasn't angry, it was gleeful actually. I couldn't help but smile, he's one tough mother fucker. But the smile faded as I saw Tim's fist connected with the other guys face. It was hard to follow what happened after that. They were moving so fast and the roar of the crowd was deafening. It wasn't long until sirens were heard in the distance. The crowd scattered quicker than it formed. The guys hadn't seemed to have heard it yet. Angela glanced around nervously as the cops got closer. I reached out to stop her as she ran forward into the midst of the fight. Catching onto her brothers arm in mid swing brought him back to reality.

"Lets go guys." He said regaining his composure. As soon as his back was turned one of the other boys rushed at him.

"Tim look out." I yelled seeing the guy was right on top of him. He turned as quickly as a cat and caught the guy right between the eyes, he dropped like a ton of bricks. The sirens were right around the corner now and we all took off behind the Dingo. After jumping the fence we headed down the alley. Tim was leading the way and Ang and I were bringing up the rear. We ran up and down countless alleys and by streets that I've never even seen before. Finally we stopped. Everyone was panting for breath and fumbling around in their pockets for a cigarette. Everyone except Tim. He was as cool as could be with a slight grin on his face. He glanced at me and I averted my eyes instantly. After a few minutes everyone lightened up and started joking and laughing and boasting about the whole thing. I was still shaken up but put on a brave face and tried my best to laugh it off. But truth be told I was terrified. I've seen to many fights to count and been

questioned by the cops even more times than that, mostly about my brother. But this is the first time I've ever actually ran from them. We stayed in the alley's as we walked. The two guys that were with Tim left saying they would see him at the Two Bit's tonight. Then it was just me, him, and Angela

"So what's your plans for tonight?" He asked getting another smoke from the pocket of his leather jacket.

"We're goin to Two Bit's" Angela said reaching into Tim's pocket for a smoke as well.

"I guess I'll see ya'll there." He said turning to head back in the direction we came.

"Where you goin?" Ang asked.

"I got some business to take care of. But I'll see ya later." He said looking directly into my eyes. I couldn't help but smile at him.

"Alright." Me and Ang said at the same time before heading back to her place.

"I swear, there's something going on with him." Angela said

"He seems like the same ol' Tim to me." I said taking a drag off my smoke.

"I can't quit put my finger on it yet, but I'll figure it out." She said with a sly smile. I just laughed as we walked in the door.

"I'm goin to take a shower, then we'll start getting ready. This is gonna be one hell of a party." She said whooping and hollering as she went upstairs. I just laughed and slouched onto the couch, I wasn't anticipating the party as much as she was.


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Sorry it's been awhile since I've updated. I've actually, finally gotten off my lazy ass and went to college. This is my first weekend home in over a month and home is the only place I have access to a 3.5 floppy disk drive. Sorry again for such a long delay. On with the story!

**Chapter 14**

I changed my mind considerably as we walked into Two Bit's. There were at least three kegs in sight. The kitchen was set up as a bar with a real bar tender, either he was owed a lot of favors or he really went all out for this party. My guess was the he was owed a lot of favors. There was even a chalk board with all the different kinds of drinks available. Ang and I both decided on a green apple martini. After four of those I was ready to dance for the rest of the night. I spotted Tim in a dark corner with a busty blonde, and decided that it wasn't a good time to talk to him. I found a corner of my own, only to have Larry walk up immediately.

"Looks like you're empty, want another drink?" He asked politely. I shrugged, I wasn't in the mood to get angry. Besides, the guy was really trying.

"Sure." I said with a slight smile.

"What ya drinking?" He asked.

"Green apple martini." I said loudly. It seemed like he had just disappeared when he reappeared again with a new beer in one hand and my drink in the other.

"Here ya go." He said handing me my drink.

"Thanks." I said, with the same slight smile. We stood there in silence, bobbing our heads with the beat.

"Wanna dance?" He asked sitting both out drinks on a nearby table.

"Sure." I said with a shrug, letting him lead me onto the dance floor. Just as we arrived on the floor a slow song began to play. I took a deep breath as I felt his arms encircle my waist. I put my hands against his shoulders to keep a bit of distance between us. I didn't want him think I was falling for him like that. Not even two minutes into the song Larry turned around in anger, someone was trying to cut in.

"Nobody's cuttin' in on me buddy." Larry said as he turned around, ready for a fight. But what he wasn't ready for was the face of Tim Shepherd. Muttering an apology, he left as quickly as possible. I just stood there for a second before I regained my composure. I hardly had time to even do that before Tim was to close for comfort.

"Why were you dancing with him?" he said quietly into my ear.

"Why shouldn't I?" I countered, drawing back and looking into his eyes.

"Because he wouldn't have had the guts to do it when Dally was alive." He said not breaking eye contact.

"And what about you?" I couldn't help but ask. He just stared at me blankly, so I continued. "Would you be dancing with me?" I spat, rage filling me with every syllable. "Would you have kissed me last night if Dally was still alive?" I said, backing up and

putting a bit of distance between us.

"Ava, that was…" He started.

"That was what Tim? A mistake?" I spat out angrily. He just stared at me not saying anything. I shook my head and walked away towards the bar to get another drink. Then out to the backyard to be alone with my smokes and my alcohol. I knew it was a mistake from the beginning. So why was it affecting me like this now? I downed my drink in two gulps. I was halfway through my cigarette when I heard the back door open. I knew who it was so I just sat there, waiting for him to let me down gently.

"It wasn't a mistake Avalon." Tim said with a booming voice.

"Don't say that for my sake Tim. Tell me how you really feel." I said not skipping a beat as I stood up to look into his eyes once again.

"All I know is that I liked kissing you." He said with pug smile.

"Then do it again." I said tauntingly, but was surprised when he reached out and drew me to his chest. The kiss was different this time. It wasn't urgent but gentle, not lustful but still full of passion. I pulled away and looked into his eyes, all I could see was the image of him coming down the stares with that girl from the Dingo. I saw him wrapping his arms around that blonde earlier. I felt the anger rise, I could never really have him. He wasn't a one woman man, and I can't deal with that. I refuse to deal with that.

"What's wrong?" He asked taking a step back.

"Nothin." I said lighting up a smoke before turning my back to him and sitting on the steps.

"Want another drink?" He asked.

"Yeah." I said looking up briefly as he walked back inside. I had taken two drags off my cigarette when I heard the door open again.

"Damn, that was quick." I said not looking over my shoulder.

"Let's get a few things straight." A female voice rang out. I was caught off guard but tried not to show it. I stood up and turned around, there was no mistaking the disdain in that girls voice.

"What do we gotta get straight?" I asked taking a long drag off my smoke before flicking it away.

"I know Tim's feeling all sorry for you right now because your brother died. But it'll blow over in a month or two. Then he'll be right back where he's supposed to be, with me. Don't forget that, he just feels sorry for you." She said staring me down. I stared right back, taking in what I'd just heard.

"Don't you dare come up to me with that bullshit like you know me. I on the other hand know you, Sara Latimore. Every time Tim takes you back you end up cheating on him. I bet Angela would love to know you're here." I said giving her a cold look.

"I'm not scared of that bitch." She said before turning around and almost running into Tim. He gave her a look between confusion and disdain.

"What the hell did she want?" He asked handing me my drink. I downed it then threw the glass on the ground.

"To start a fight." I said marching back inside.

"Avalon." Tim said threateningly as he walked up behind me. But I was already waving Angela over.

"This doesn't concern you." I said turning around to look him in the eye.

"Then tell me what she said to get you so riled up." He countered my stare.

"What's up Ava?" Ang asked with concern.

"We got something to take care of." I said pulling her off to the side and leaving Tim standing alone in the kitchen. I told her everything that was said in the conversation and saw the anger rising in her. I followed her as she stalked over to Sara and her group of friends. I stood back to make sure they didn't try anything dirty. They didn't it was a clean fight and Angela won hands down. She had to much animosity for the girl. After it

was over Sara and her friends left swearing they'd get us back. Ang just laughed it off and got another shot. I joined her.

"That bitch had it coming to her." She said as she threw her shot back.

"Yeah." I said doing the same.

"When are you gonna learn to control your temper Angela?" Tim said sharply.

"When you do." She said with a smirk. I laughed at his expression as he walked off.

"Here." Ang said giving me another shot. I took it without hesitation. "I'm about to beat it outta here." She said motioning for Ben to come over.

"Where ya'll goin?" I asked .

"Back to my house, everybody's here so it'll be empty." She said putting her arm around Ben. "Wanna come?"

"Sure." I said handing each of them a beer and grabbing one for myself before following them to the door.

"Where ya'll running off to?" Two Bit slurred as he tried to walk up the steps.

"Back to my house." Ang said.

"See ya Two Bit." I said "Great party by the way."

Of course Ang and Ben went straight to her bedroom. It didn't bother me none, I just got a beer outta the fridge and turned on the TV. I stared at it blankly with a million things running through my mind. I don't need someone to tell me that Tim just feels sorry

for me. I already know that and I allowed myself the fantasy of the possibility that it was a little more than that. How could I be so stupid. I got up to get another beer. Then another and another. Ang and Ben were still upstairs when the front door opened. I glanced over and caught a glimpse of Tim's profile. I slouched down even more hoping he would just go right to his room. I stiffened when I heard a giggle followed by his low voice. I rolled my eyes wishing he would hurry up and take her to his room. When I heard her gasp loudly I squinted in confusion, what kind of whore did he bring home? What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit here and listen to this? Pretend like I'm asleep? When I began to hear low moans I couldn't take it anymore.

"Can you two wait just a second." I said loudly standing up but not turning around. The light was switched on and I shielded my eyes as I turned around.

"Two Bit said you went home." Tim said.

"Don't worry, I'm about to. I didn't mean to interrupt ya'll." I said taking a good look at the girl standing by his side. She was dressed like my mom. With a tight pink shirt that hardly covered the bottom part of her boobs. She wore a white mini skirt with high black boots that stopped right below her knees. I wondered what street corner he got her from.

"Tim, you said nobody but your sister would be here." She said looking from him to me.

"This is my sisters friend." He said taking a small step away from her.

"Well, I'll let you two be alone." I said forcing myself not to look into Tim's eyes as I headed toward the door. Tim reached it first.

"I'll drop you off on the way to Cindy's house." He said ignoring the look she gave him. I rolled my eyes as we headed toward the car. I automatically headed towards the passengers seat but was cut off by Cindy. I clenched my teeth and took a deep breath

to calm myself as I slipped into the back seat. I was so angry I didn't even realize that he was going in the opposite direction of my house. I was more pissed at myself than I was at him. How I could let myself think he felt anything but pity for me. Maybe that's what I have to learn from this. To expect pity. Everything was different when my brother was here. No one would dare pity me if he was still alive.

"I thought you were dropping her off first." Cindy's voice rang through my thoughts. I saw the look that Tim gave her. She slammed the door and stalked up the steps to her house. I got out and slipped into the front seat, it was still warm. I stared out the window as we drove in silence.

"Listen Ava, all that with Cindy…" He started.

"Look Tim, you don't have to explain anything to me. I'm just your sisters friend." I said turning his own words on him. I saw him shake his head slightly through the corner of my eye.

"Ava…" He said stopping the car in the middle of the road. I looked at him and saw his jaw muscle jumping, I guess I really pissed him off somehow.

"Tim, don't worry about it. I already said you don't have to explain." I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could without sounding fake.

"I know you're mad, and you have every right to be." He said turning to look at

me.

"No, I don't." I said gazing at him coldly. "Just because you kiss me a few times doesn't mean I'm gonna be hurt or mad when you kiss someone else."

"So you didn't feel anything when we kissed?" He said still looking at me. My anger finally erupted.

"Stop fucking do this. Just stop it Tim. I don't want this. I don't want to feel the way I do when I see you with other girls. And I sure as hell didn't want to let you know how it makes me feel." I said getting mad at myself again.

"Avalon…" I cut him off.

"Forget what I said, look, thanks for trying to be there for me and all that shit. But you don't have to anymore, I'm fine Tim. I don't need your pity." I turned to open the door prepared to walk the rest of the way home.

"Avalon." He said jerking me back into the car and turning my head with his hands.

"I don't pity you." He said with fire in his eyes.

"Whatever, just take me home." I said jerking away and forcing myself to stare out the window the whole time. When we pulled up to my house I recognized the beat up old ford parked in front. Joe was here. Tim saw my hesitation.

"You can come back to my place if you want" He said with a shrug. I hesitated,

not at his initial invitation but the unspoken one. I knew what would happen if I went back to his house.

"Alright." I said lighting up another smoke. What the hell, maybe that's what I have to do to get him out of my system. We pulled up and walked into the house silently. I followed him to his room, my gaze never leaving his back. I sat on the edge of his bed and watched him undress down to his boxer shorts. I couldn't keep my eyes off his hard lean body. I stared up at him when he walked over to the bed. I couldn't figure out way my stomach was knotted. I've done this so many times before. I've never once been

nervous about it. He knelt down until we were eye to eye. I realized then that his eyes were such a dark blue they could be mistaken for black. His gaze was intense and I felt myself melt as he drew my face closer to his. I couldn't help but wonder if he did this with all his girls. Make them feel like they're the only one. But I have something on them. I know what he's like. I dig. As the kiss grew in intensity he laid me back gently until we were parallel on the bed. I could feel his desire rise against my leg and I stiffened. He drew back suddenly, looking down at me with those intense eyes.

"Why are you shaking?" He asked. I just stared up at him.

"I don't know." I whispered. And I honestly didn't know why I was so nervous.

"I know you aren't a virgin. Are you?" He said after shifting to lay beside me.

"Hell no." I said as if offended. I turned to look at his profile as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Damnit." He said with agitation, sitting up quickly and putting his head in his hands.

"What's wrong?" I said sitting up as well.

"I should be asking you that." He said turning to look at me.

"What the hell do you mean by that?" I said getting angry again, it's an emotion I was starting to get used to.

"What do you wanna hear? The fact that I couldn't go through with it because of the look in your eyes. I couldn't fuck you because I know that I hurt you earlier tonight. I

couldn't do it because I know you would think it was just a game for me." He stopped ranting but still held my gaze. I saw it now, I understood the look in his eyes. It was guilt, he was still mourning Dally. Whatever he was feeling wasn't pity, pity wouldn't make him feel this guilty. It was either love or lust and I would put money on the latter.

"Look, I've been through this spill before alright. I'm used to sex with no feelings, I prefer it that way. You couldn't hurt me, even if you wanted to." I said staring at him with eyes of stone. "Dally's gone Tim. If you fuck me tonight it's not like he's gonna come looking for you later."

"You don't understand what I'm saying." He said dropping his head. I stood up and began to pace.

"What don't I understand? I've known you for most my life. I know you Tim, and I know you're not gonna change. Who the hell am I to try and change you like every other girl that's been in this room has tried to do. The only thing that separates me from them is that I dig. I know the deal. Yeah you'll lay here and hold me after we're done. But tomorrow night you'll be doing the same thing with another girl."

"Ava…" I cut him off.

"No, Tim, don't try to deny it because I know it's true. I've seen it with my own eyes. The countless girls you bring in here night after night."

"You're not them Ava." He said quietly.

"I know I'm not, because like I said I know the deal. Before anything happens between us I want you to know that…" I took a breath to continue my verbal assault.

"Damnit Avalon." Tim yelled at the top of his lungs. "Just listen to me for one fucking second." I remained silent glaring at him with my chest heaving up and down from sucking in deep angry breaths.

"What the hell is going on." Angela said throwing his door open and marching in

followed by Ben. She stopped dead in her tracks at the sight. Her eyes sweep the room taking in me at one end with my hair still tousled from Tim running his fingers through it. To Tim standing on the opposite side in nothing but his boxers. I met Ang's gaze expecting to see anger, anticipating the end of our friendship. But her eyes were smiling and she chocked back a laugh.

"Sorry for intruding." She said before busting out laughing. I couldn't help but smile and before I knew it I was laughing along with her. Then before long everyone was laughing as we headed downstairs. Tim slipped on a pair of jeans before following us downstairs. It was only 1 in the morning, still early for us so we sat around the table drinking for another hour. Soon Tim and Ben settled into a conversation about the Socs and me and Ang slipped outside to talk.

"Honestly Ang, nothing happened between me and Tim tonight, we've never…" I trailed off.

"I knew something was going on with him." She said shaking her head. "I never would have guessed it was you though." She said staring at the ground.

"Angela, I don't know what the hells going on." I said biting my lip to keep it from trembling.

"It's o.k. Avalon. I know you'd never hurt him, and if you did he'd deserve it."

She said with a laugh.

"You don't have to worry about that, it'll never get that far. You know how Tim is." I said with a laugh.

"Yeah." She said not combating my statement. I couldn't expect her to. Her brother was as unpredictable as the wind.

"No matter what happens, I won't let it affect us." I said and she smiled before hugging me, which is something we rarely do. After going inside everyone was ready for bed. I slept on the couch like always whenever Ang's boyfriend spent the night. Leaving Tim to the comfort of having his bed to himself for once. I was half asleep when he walked down the stairs to give me an extra blanket.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

_I sat on the couch staring fixedly at the T.V I turned up the volume trying to drown out the noise. My mom's currant boyfriend was drunk yet again. They moved from the kitchen to the living room and I tried my best to block them out. _

_"Turn off that fucking T.V you little bitch." He slurred at the top of his lungs. I just stared at him like I saw my brother do so many times. When Dally gave him that look Larry left him alone. _

_"I said turn it off." He yelled slinging me off the couch, jerking the remote out of my hand in the process. Guess it doesn't work as well for me. _

_"Don't you fucking touch her." My mom yelled giving him a push. _

_"Go take some more pills." He said backhanding her. I watched as she stumbled and fell to the ground. I couldn't stop the tears that poured from my eyes. I didn't understand how she always seemed to chose this kind of man. It was always the same situation, just different faces. _

_"You want something to cry about? I'll give you something to cry about." He said kicking me several times in the stomach. When he turned his back I got up and headed for the front door, but was pulled back by my hair. At that exact moment Dally burst through the door. Larry instantly let go of my hair when he saw the look on Dally's face. He was only 16 but you could tell he wasn't someone you wanted to fuck with. Larry knew that. Dally stepped in between me and him. _

_"My mother has made it clear that I'm not to interfere with her life. But you crossed the line when you laid your hands on my sister. If you're not gone when I come home tomorrow I'll slit your fucking throat." He said in a voice that was as cold as ice. He put his arm around me and led me to the car. _

_"Here" He said as we pulled up to Bucks. He reached into the glove box and pulled out a nine inch switch blade. "I'll teach you how to use it tomorrow. The next time something like that happens and I'm not around, use it." He said getting out of the car. But I wasn't by myself to many times after that night, Dally was always close by. _

Someone was frying eggs and bacon, the smell woke me up. I rubbed my eyes and headed into the kitchen. I laughed when I saw Tim standing there with an apron on. He turned around and smiled.

"What? You don't like my outfit?" He said with a laugh.

"No darling, it's beautiful." I said with a slight English accent. I poured me some coffee and took a sip of it. "You cooking enough for everyone?" I asked leaning against the counter.

"Yeah, hope you like your eggs fried." He said flipping the bacon.

"I like eggs any way but raw." I said getting four plates out of the cabinet and setting the table. Tim walked to the bottom of the stairs.

"If you want a hot breakfast get your asses down here." He yelled taking off his apron before serving the eggs. I got the ketchup out of the fridge and Tim smiled.

"I thought I was the only one that did that." He said drenching his eggs in ketchup.

"Guess not." I said doing the same.

"You don't have school tomorrow do you?" He said shoveling eggs in his mouth.

"Nope, Presidents Day." I said with a smile taking a big gulp of coffee.

"The Blob's playing at the Nightly Double. Wanna go?" He said nonchalantly.

"Sure." I said with a shrug. "Aint got nothin better to do." I said trying to sound as nonchalant as he did.

"Alright." He said cleaning his plate. "I'll pick you up at your place around 7." He dumped his plate into the sink.

"O.k. I'll take care of the dishes." I said as he reached for the dish soap.

"Thanks." He said with a smile before walking out the door. I clenched my teeth to keep from screaming. He asked me on a date. Or was it a date? Well, we've never gone out alone before… and he was picking me up at my house. I guess it could be classified as a date. I made a mental note to bring some money with me just in case. I just finished drying the dishes when Angela and Ben walked in.

"It's still warm" She said feeling of the eggs and bacon before pouring her and Ben some coffee.

"So Ava, where you wanna party tonight?" I laughed at her question, the girl had a one track mind set on party at all times.

"I kinda have plans for the first half of the evening. But after that I dunno." I said getting another cup of coffee.

"Plans?" Angela said with egg falling from the side of her mouth. "With who?" She asked stuffing some bacon in her mouth as well. I shrugged and focused on the table for a second. She waited.

"With Tim." I said looking up into her eyes.

"I'm not against this thing with you and Tim. But you know him Ava. Just be careful." She said I could see the concern in her eyes.

"I know Ang, you don't have to worry about that. Like you said, I know him." I got up and stretched before walking into the living room to get my smokes. When I walked back into the kitchen Ang was washing her and Ben's dishes.

"I guess I'm gonna head out." I said lighting a smoke.

"Alright, see ya later." Ang called over her shoulder. I glanced at the clock as I walked out. 11am. What the hell am I gonna do till 7? I headed towards Pony's house, there's bound to be something going on there. I wonder what he would think about me going on a date with Tim. What would Dally think? If Dally was alive would Tim have even asked me? I cracked my neck as I walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

"Hey" Pony said stepping aside to let me walk in.

"Have fun at Two Bits?" I asked him. He shrugged.

"Don't let him fool ya." Soda said coming out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel on.

"Shut up Soda." Pony said turning a bright shade of red.

"He got laid." Soda said with a wide grin ducking to avoid Pony's punch.

"Aw. Soda, our little boy's growing up." I said with mock sweetness.

"Alright guys, that's enough." Darry said walking through the living room to get the paper off the porch. I smiled at Pony and he got even redder.

"I won't mess with you no more." I said not able to wipe the grin off my face. I shook my head. He wont hear the end of this for at least 2 months.

"You hungry?" Darry asked as he walked back inside.

"Na I ate at Ang's house" I said. Pony turned the T.V on and we settled back onto the couch to watch a documentary on Ancient Greece. Soda and Darry left for work a few minutes later. We didn't speak a word through the whole thing. After it was over Pony switched the TV off. I lit a smoke and reached for the ash tray.

"So, what's eatin ya?" Pony said taking a drag off his smoke.

"I gotta date tonight." I said with a smile.

"What's wrong with that?" He said looking at me.

"It's with Tim Shepherd." I said looking down at the floor. There was a few moments of silence then I looked up at Pony.

"Avalon…" He said blinking in confusion and shaking his head. "Don't get mixed up with him." I took a drag and inhaled deeply.

"I can't explain it Pony… he's been there for me." I said looking into his eyes.

"That's all well and good, but this will take it to another level." He said still shacking his head.

"I know." I said putting out my smoke.

"Well, if it's what you want, then go for it." He said with a smile. I smiled back.

"Thanks." I said getting up and stretching. "Let's go to the park and swing. Like old times."

"Last one there is a Soc." He yelled flying out the door at top speed. I was right behind him but he was Tulsa High's top sprinter. There's no way I could have caught him much less beat him. His swing was already high in the air when I arrived.

"You're such a cheater." I said hopping onto the other swing.

"How'd I cheat?" he said slowing down by dragging his feet across the ground.

"You know I can't run as fast as you. So racing is an unfair competition." I said, my hair flying behind me as I swung.

"Since I'm better than you at everything there is no competition." He said with a smile.

"Don't get cocky" I said with mock anger.

We were sitting on top of the jungle gym when I realized the look that had spread across Pony's face. He was looking into the distance his eyes were cloudy with memory.

"This is were it happened." He said looking back at the fountain in the center of the park.

"We shouldn't have came here. I'm sorry I suggested it." I said jumping to the ground.

"It's not your fault Ava. It's mine, all of it's my fault." He said tears welling up in his eyes.

"No, it's not Pony. Nobody blames you for any of it. I don't." I said reaching out to embrace him. A few minutes later his tears were dried up and we were walking back to his house.

"I know it wasn't my fault. It's just hard to believe that sometimes. I relive those days in my head over and over again. There so many things I could have done differently so many things that could have prevented it all." He said focusing on the sidewalk in front of him.

"You can't live with what if's. What happened was supposed to happen. There's nothing that could have changed it. Now our job is to live with it and move on." I said shrugging.

"I don't know how to do that." Pony said sitting on his steps.

"Me either." I said lighting a smoke and sitting beside him. "It's so fucked up the way Dally died. It's so unfair." I wiped away a tear that sneaked out of my eye.

"We'll get through this" He said it with so much confidence I couldn't help but believe him.

I just finished putting on my makeup when there was a knock at the door. I looked at the clock, 7:00 on the dot. I felt weird as I opened the door and saw Tim standing there. He was freshly shaved with new grease in his hair. He even opened the car door for me. I sat silently in the passengers seat all the way to the drive in. We parked and he shut the car off.

"Want any popcorn or soda?" He asked reaching for the door handle.

"Yeah." I said, lighting up a smoke as soon as he shut the door. I needed to calm myself. My nerves were about to jump out of my throat. It's just Tim, I've talked to him plenty of times. So why is it so hard now? I jumped when the car door opened.

"Here ya go." He handed me a Coke and a small bag of popcorn.

"Thanks" I said sipping on my coke. The silence that filled the car was deafening. I kept sipping on my coke, shoving popcorn in my mouth to excuse my silence. Tim was doing the same. When the movie started we were out of popcorn and coke. I inched closer to him as The Blob began to grow.

"Oh my god." I said burying my head in Tim's chest when The blob consumed the scientist that created it. He was holding me in an instant. I turned back to look at the movie but I wasn't paying attention to it. I was all to conscious of Tim's gentle grip on my shoulder. I could hear his heart beat under his shirt.

"You o.k.?" He said looking down at me. I looked up to meet his eyes.

"Yeah." I said before dropping my gaze and pulling away slightly. He loosened his grip and I slid into the passengers seat just as the movie ended. We sat there in silence yet again as the cars pulled out one by one. I lit a smoke and so did he. Taking a long draw I sighed, relaxing a bit. I stared out the window as the last car peeled off leaving behind a trail of dust as well as me and Tim. We were alone now. If it was any other guy I would have felt a totally different uneasiness. Being alone, totally alone with him stirred my senses and at the same time filled me with dread. Not knowing weather or not acting upon those instincts would desecrate my brothers memory. What would he want? How would he feel about this? I looked over at Tim and saw the same questions in his eyes.

"You're think about Dally." I said, it wasn't a question but he answered anyway.

"Yeah." He said gripping the stirring wheel, placing his forehead to his hands.

"It's hard." I said tossing my smoke out the window and following it's progress until it landed and burned out.

"You'll always feel it." He whispered into the night.

"What do you know about it?" I said a bit to harshly. I heard his sudden intake of breath and knew I would soon regret my comment.

"I do know what you're going through." He said slowly. "I had an older brother as well. He died young just like Dally. I don't talk about it much and that's all I have to say." He finished in a flare of anger and resentment. Even though he hardly spoke three sentences I felt drained as if we had talked for hours. I didn't know what to say so I went with my first instinct, detachment.

"That's awful" I said scooting closer to the car door.

"No more awful than what you're going through." He said turning to me, his anger evaporating.

"I'll be fine." I said defiantly turning away.

"That's the same thing I said. Look how I turned out." His words made me turn towards him again.

"So that's it huh? That's why you're the way you are. That's your copout?" I said with a hint of anger.

"It's not a copout." He said defensively, a little to defensively.

"That's not the reason for your anger Tim, so don't try to make it out to be. Not to me at least." I said not breaking eye contact. I could hear his deep shallow breaths and was scared that I had pushed him to far. But instead of lashing out at me he cranked up the car and revved the engine. We speed past house after house, when we went past town and into the country I began to feel uneasy again. If I had pushed him past the breaking point there would be no one around to hear me scream. We pulled up next to a creek and he shut the car off. After a few minutes of silence he lit up a smoke.

"Sam was shot when he was fifteen, I was ten at the time." He said slowly before taking another drag. "Our father was drunk as usual. He always lost his temper and Sam wasn't exactly cool headed. They never got along so it wasn't out of the ordinary when it turned into a scuffle. The only difference was that this time, Dad had a gun. I watched him die." He flicked the cigarette out the window and ran his hands through his hair. I kept my head turned, letting the full impact of his story hit me.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say when I turned back to face him. He nodded then cranked the car up and headed back towards town. I had no idea why he drove all the way out here to tell me that. But I sure as hell wasn't gonna ask.

"Alright, enough of that shit." He said a grin spreading across his face but not reaching his eyes.

"So what now?" I asked.

"We party." He said wildly as he screeched to a halt at a red light.

"Where at?" I asked as we took off.

"My house." He said turning into the DX to get some beer and gas. I lit up a smoke as I waited. My mind was racing, what had it been like for Tim? What went through his head? I couldn't comprehend seeing my father murder my brother. Tim slid back into the car and we were at his house in five minutes. It was different from any party I had attended. Tim stayed by my side almost the whole time. It was like we were still on our date, and I guess we were. He talked to his friends and I talked to mine and we drank, a lot. It felt weird with Tim's arm draped over my shoulder.

"Let's go smoke." Angela said as she walked up to me.

"Sure" I said following her outside.

"So, how'd it go?" She said lighting up.

"Good, I guess." I said doing the same.

"I hope you know what you're doing." She said sitting down on the steps.

"Honestly Ang, after tonight I have no clue." I said plopping down beside her.

"What happened?" She said turning so she faced me.

"Nothing really, I just find myself wondering if he acts the same way with every girl. If he tries to make them think he understands them." I sighed and flicked my ashes.

"Every guy does that." Angela said with a laugh. I looked up at the sky wondering if I'd ever regain control of my life.

"I know but… He told me about Sam." I saw her stiffen from the corner of my eye.

"He did?" She asked in a whisper.

"Yeah." I said with a nod.

"I don't know what to tell you." She said shrugging her shoulders.

"I know I'm just confused. I need to go home for awhile. Ya know, clear my head." I said standing up and stretching. "See ya later" I called over my shoulder as I walked down the path to the street.

"See ya." She called to my retreating back. I stopped to light another smoke in front of Pony's house.

"Hey" a voice called from the porch. It was to dark to see who it was so I walked up to the steps.

"How ya doin Soda?" I asked taking a seat.

"Good. You?" He said looking up at the sky.

"Alright I guess." I said looking down at the cracked steps.

"Date didn't go to well?" He asked with a sly grin.

"This neighborhood's like one big gossip column." I said with a little irritation.

"Want a beer?" He asked.

"Sure." I said to his back as he went into the house. He handed me one and took a sip out of his own. He started drinking shortly after Sandy left. It made me kinda sad but I knew he'd pull through it just like every other obstacle in his life. I didn't say anything to him about it, it was his business.

"Was it that bad?" He said as I took a big gulp.

"I'll have you know that it went just fine." I said in a slightly cross voice. When he didn't respond I looked over and he was staring at the ground shacking his head.

"What?" I said defensively.

"You don't make it sound like you had that good of a time is all." He said quietly.

"It's not that I didn't have a good time, it's just that… Damnit." I said in agitation before taking another gulp of my beer and lighting another smoke. Soda waited patiently for me to continue. I clenched my jaws.

"Tim was Dally's best friend." I said shaking my head.

"Dally would probably be happy for you as long as Tim treats you right." Soda said sipping on his beer.

"Dally would have hated it." I said with a bitter laugh. Soda smiled and nodded his agreement.

"You can't live the rest of your life worrying about what Dally would have

thought." He said quietly. I was silent for a few minutes.

"I know that Soda. I just don't how to do it." I said with a shack of my head. I downed the rest of my beer and threw the bottle across the street.

"See ya later." I said as I got up and headed towards my house. I fell into a fitful sleep as images of Dally danced through my head.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

It was still dark outside when I woke up early the next morning. Not pitch black but the dark blue that grows lighter and lighter until the sun finally bursts over the horizon in all it's bright golden glory. I laid there staring up at the ceiling as it began to appear with the passing minutes. I got up and hurried down stairs. I threw open the front door just as the sun made it's appearance for the start of a new day. I sat down and lit a smoke wishing life could be that easy. I was told once that we have the opportunity to reinvent ourselves every second of our lives. All we have to do is make the decision. I used to believe it to. Only now am I beginning to really understand. That might be possible for other people in other places. But not here, not us. The fabric of our lives has already been molded for us. If it doesn't fit, tough shit. You can't trade it for a new one. You sure as hell can't make changes to the one you have. You have to live with it, even if it kills you.

I smoked another cigarette then headed inside to get something to eat. I gave an agitated sigh as I realized the cupboards were once again bare. The refrigerator mirrored the image. There was nothing but a bottle of ketchup, a pack of stale saltines and a jar of month old milk. I sat the meager meal on the table before pouring the sour milk down the drain opting for a glass of water. I was just finishing my seventh cracker when I heard the rumble of the mail mans truck in front of the house. I reluctantly headed outside to gather the dozen or so last notice envelopes that were sure to be stuffed in the mailbox. To my surprise there was only one letter and it was addressed to me from the Tulsa High Academic Society. I lit a smoke as I sat down on the steps, fumbling with the envelope. My stomach was in knots as I finally opened the flap. Had I missed to many days? Was I not going to get to graduate in May? I had turned in all my missed work the first week I was back. As I scanned the letter my eyes widen in disbelief. I was a good student, a little rebellious and rough around the edges but I did my work and I made fairly well if not good grades. I hadn't realized though until I glanced over the transcript in my hand that I had never made below an A in any class. That type of thing was never a propriety in my house or in my life. Dally was the only one ever interested in my grades, "Good job kid." he'd say when he asked to see my report card. Then he'd buy a couple of six packs and we'd celebrate in the only way we knew how, by getting soused. If he was here now this would call for an all out party. Valedictorian, me, not some smarty soc, not some book worm geek that lived to study. Me, Avalon Winston from the roughest neighbor hood in the north side. A greaser that never stood a chance of getting a better life. I guess I was wrong about greasers not being able to change the course of their lives. Maybe I was right in the sense that we can't do it in a split second. This had taken years, years of hard work and determination. Years of not wanting to be looked at as just another hood by my teachers. Years of trying my best to show everyone that being a Winston means more than just being tougher than the rest. I remember what made me start trying my best in school. I aced all of my first exams my freshman year. The look in Dally's eyes as he patted me on the back was more than enough motivation. I'd do anything to make my brother proud. If getting A's is what did it, then that's what I'd do. So I did, and this is what it got me, valedictorian.

I got up and headed towards Pony's house wanting him to be the first to know. I didn't even bother knocking this time. I burst through the door with the letter clutched in my hand. I immediately regretted it when I saw Pony and some red head laying on the couch, neither of them had a shirt on.

"I'm so sorry." I said covering my face as I felt the redness creep up my cheeks.

"It's o.k." Pony said in a strained voice as they both rustled around pulling their shirts on and adjusting their cloths.

"You can look now." The red head said. I slowly peaked out from behind my hands. "I'm Katie Neal." She said extending her hand.

"Avalon Winston." I said grasping her hand and looking her square in the eye. She looked right back steadily. "Good to meet ya" I said with a smile deciding in that moment that I really liked this girl.

"I was just leaving." She said getting up and heading towards the door. "Call me later." She said to Pony. "It was good meeting you too." She said with a broad smile as she turned to me. I smiled back as she walked out shutting the door silently behind her.

"Damn it Ponyboy, the first time I decide to take your advice and walk right on in." I said with a smile shaking my head. His face turned blood red.

"I should have locked the door, I will next time." He said turning redder by the second.

"That'd be a good idea." I said handing him the letter. "Take a look at this." I sat silently beside him as he scanned the contents. He was beaming by the time he was finished.

"Avalon, this is fucking awesome." He said jumping up and pulling me into an embrace. "Wait till the guys hear, they're gonna be ecstatic."

"Hold your horses Pony." I said with a small chuckle at the cliché. "I don't want everyone knowing just yet."

"Why not? This calls for a celebration." He said looking stricken.

"I just wanna take things up with the school and all. Ya know, make sure there hasn't been any kind of mistakes." I said as he sat back down.

"Look at your transcript, there aren't any mistakes." He said seriously.

"I know that, I just wanna make sure before I go getting all excited about it." I said leaning back. "Just don't say nothing o.k.?"

"Alright, I won't. But you better talk to them at school tomorrow." He said lighting a smoke and handing it to me. We sat back and smoked in compatible silence both of us had a small smile on our face.

AN: Thanks to all of my reviewers. My muse totally turned things around for me. I had an idea for this story but it's not turning out the same way in my mind as it had before. There's a lot more in store for Avalon than I originally planned. Sorry it's so short this is just kind of a transition chapter. Thanks again.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

It wasn't until the next day that I learned of the vast opportunity at my feet. As I sat next to Pony at our daily counseling session Mr. Sealy looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. I gave him a stare somewhere between disdain and confusion.

"What?" I said finally growing tired of his stare.

"Valedictorian huh?" He said with a smile.

"I guess." I said with a shrug.

"You're thinking there's some kind of mistake aren't you?" He said without hesitation.

"Yeah." I said looking past his face and concentrating on the wall behind him. I hate the fact that I have become so transparent in his presence. It couldn't be helped though he nagged and nagged until you had no choice but to give in or go crazy.

"Well rest assure, there have been no mistakes. If there had, this wouldn't have came this morning." He said placing a letter on the desk in front of me. I eyed them with suspicion.

"Open them Avalon." Pony said scooting his chair closer to mine until our arms were touching. I gingerly grabbed the bundle and stared at the first letter. My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. I froze up, unable to do anything but stare. Not even Pony reaching over and yanking the stake out of my hands could shake me out of the shocked state I was in. Ripping the letter open he quickly scanned it then gasped aloud.

"It's Oklahoma State University, they're offering you a full ride." I sat there still frozen in disbelieving shock. After a few minutes passed I realized the Mr. Sealy was staring at me like a proud…father or something and Ponyboy had a surreal other worldly look on his face.

"How?" Was all I could manage to say staring up at Mr. Sealy with moisture in my eyes.

"You're a great kid with tons of potential. Some of the other teachers and I thought realized that you hadn't seen to many good breaks in you life. It's about time you had so we took the liberty of recommending you to some of the right people, along with you transcript and appointment to the position of valedictorian they couldn't refuse. But don't think this all just being handed to you. All of these scholarships have requirements and essays that are due before they can be fully awarded. I suggest you go through them and get started. The sooner you get them mailed off the better." He said with finality as the bell rang. I rose and numbly followed Pony out the door. My head was spinning so fast I thought I would pass out. How could this be happening to me? Nothing this good had ever happened o someone from our side of town. I took that statement back as I stared at Pony. His brother Darry had this same chance but fate dealt him a wicked blow. Had he been as excited and overwhelmed by all of it as I am now? My heart went out to him as I tried to imagine the heart break of having all of this ripped away. That and losing my parents all in the same blow. I bite my lip as I felt myself forming a new kind of respect for him.

"Wow." Pony said as he helped me stuff the letters in my back pack.

"Yeah," I said breathlessly as I shut my locker.

"It seems so unreal." I said biting my lip and looking up at Pony.

"It's o.k. come by today after school and I'll help you get started on all the paper work." He said putting a reassuring arm around my shoulder.

"Thanks." I said waving to him as I headed towards the gym. Angela flew up to me as soon as I opened the door.

"Tim's outside, he says he want's to see you." She said looking at me with slight worry.

"Is everything o.k.?" I said walking with her to the back of the gym.

"Honestly he seems kind of mad." She said biting her bottom lip.

"What the hell is he mad about?" I said stopping in mid step.

"I don't know, but I think I'll stay here." She said with a shrug. I wondered just how mad Tim had to be to shack Angela up like that. She isn't an easy person to scare. I on the other hand can be. I felt like my stomach was gonna jump out of my mouth as I walked towards the back door. I stopped and took a deep breath to compose myself before putting a smirk on my face and barging out the door. Tim turned his head and straighten up from his slouched position on the hood of his car.

"Hey, you wanted to see me?" I asked walking up to him seemingly without a care in the world.

"Where were you yesterday huh?" He said with a bit of anger. "I looked for you everywhere. I called you a dozen times. I even went by our house. Where the hell were you?" He said, his words fueling his anger until he was yelling.

"Calm down. I was at the Curtis' all day. You must not of looked hard enough. You should have known I was over there." I said evenly, refusing to get into a shouting match in the parking lot.

"I'd still like to know where you are. I get worried." He said still glaring at me.

"One date doesn't mean you own me Tim. Why didn't you just call up one of your other girls to satisfy your loneliness?" I instantly regretted my words when I saw his eyes narrow.

"All I wanted to do was ask you if you wanted to go out after school, get a bite to eat or something." He said his gaze not wavering.

"I don't know." I said looking down at the ground for the first time.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He said taking a step closer to me.

"Do we have to have this discussion again?" I said looking back up into his eyes, feeling my knees grow weak at their intensity.

"I thought you had a good time." He said inching closer still.

"I did, but…" I trailed of as I backed into the drivers side door. I vaguely remember wondering how I always wound up pinned between Tim and some solid object, before his mouth connected with mine and everything disappeared. I felt arms wrap around his neck involuntarily. That's what he did to me, I couldn't think when he kissed me. I had absolutely no control over my body. It was like my mind shut down, drowning out everything, my past didn't matter. His past didn't matter. Dally's death didn't matter. What Dally would think about Tim kissing me like this didn't matter. Nothing matter but this feeling. The feeling of Tim's strong arms wrapped around my waist pulling us as close together as we could get without him being inside of me. When he pulled away I felt cold. I wanted to reach out and pull him and his warmth back to me, but I didn't. I looked into his eyes then looked away.

"What's wrong?" He said tilting my chin up with his index finger.

"I can't do this." I said side stepping him before he had a chance to pin me up against the car again to make me forget about what I wanted to say.

"Why not?" He said steadily advancing on me. Instead of backing up this time I put my hands up and planted them on his chest giving him a slight push backwards. He stopped and looked at me in disbelief. I'm sure he's killed people for doing less than that.

"I can't have you." I said looking into his eyes once again.

"Yes you can." He said as a small smile spread across his face.

"No Tim, I can't. There will always be other girls. Always, I don't have any intention of trying to change that. Even if I did I know I couldn't. I'm not gonna do it Tim. I'm not gonna be with you or even date you if you can't be mine, all mine. I refuse to." I said turning to walk away.

"So that's how it's gonna be huh? You or them?" He said his eyes blazing with anger.

"I wasn't giving you an ultimatum. I was telling you why I won't go out with you after school, or any other time. I'm not so stupid as to think you would change. Even if you said you would I wouldn't believe you." I turned to walk away again but was stopped by his hand on my arm.

"Do you think it's not possible? Do you really think I can't change?" He said not letting go when I tried to pull my arm free.

"I think you could alright, I just don't think you really would." I said giving him a cool stare. He let go of my arm and just looked at me. He didn't even try to defend himself. I guess he knew it was useless. I would know he was lying so what was the point? I can't describe the feeling I had when I walked away. I can't say why my eyes suddenly filed up with hot tears. There's only one thing I'm certain of and that's just how happy I was that Tim didn't see me cry. I didn't even wipe my tears away until I was safely in the gym, away from his penetrating eyes.

AN: Thanks to IAM for pointing out that the first draft of this chapter was really, just to unbelievable. Thanks for the constructive criticism. And thank you all for the reviews.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Tim was on my mind all day, no matter what I did or where I went his presence in my mind was like a dark cloud hovering over me. Even as Pony and I worked on my essays and questionnaires the back of my mind was constantly vibrating, replaying the conversation Tim and I had over and over again. I'm not sure what I was looking for. A sign maybe, that he felt a little more for me than he did all the others? What would that matter any way? It's not like we could have a future together, if I said we could I'd just be kidding myself. Tim's like the most vicious bull at a rodeo, throwing people off his back this way and that, bucking until his last breath. That's Tim alright, always on the go, never a dull moment. He'll never slow down, he'll run in these streets until the day he dies. He'll be in and out of prison, dealing drugs, getting in fights, protecting his "territory." I couldn't live like that. Don't get me wrong I'm not selfish, I'm not greedy. I don't want much out of life but I do want more than I have right now. All Tim's worried about is where the next fight's coming from. I can't blame him for that. If he wasn't on the look out for it he'd be dead by now. I'm just so sick and tired of struggling to survive like this.

"You wanna stay for dinner?" Pony asked getting up and stretching.

"Na, I need to get some stamps and go ahead and mail these off." I said using the envelopes as a make shift fan.

"Alright, see ya tomorrow then." He said going into the kitchen to start dinner.

"See ya and thanks for all your help Pony. You're a life saver." I said smiling as he peeked around the corner and waved. I lit up a smoke as soon as I got outside. The post office is right across the street form the school, so I headed in that direction. I tried not to clenched my jaws at the sound of squealing tires as the driver threw the car into reverse and backed up rapidly.

"Jesus Christ." I said placing my hand over my heart as I let out the breath I'd been holding.

"Need a ride?" Tim asked looking up at me with a blank expression.

"Sure" I said not even attempting to deny the fact that I was freezing. I did however try to hide the fact that I was extremely grateful for the lift. I told him where I was going before snapping my seatbelt on. The ride there was silent and swift. I shouldn't have been surprised to see Tim waiting for me after I got through mailing the letters.

"So, who's car is this?" I asked failing miserably at an attempt to make small talk.

"A friends." He said staring straight ahead. It didn't take a genius to figure out that by "a friend" he meant a "a girl friend." There was a faint smell of vanilla in the air and a tube of lipstick sat in the median between us. I couldn't control the way my stomach twisted and I had even less control of what came out of my mouth.

"Pull over and let me out." I said with a snarl.

"No." He said as if I simply asked him if he was hungry or something.

"Tim, let me out of this car." I said in a low calm voice. There was no response from him. "I said let me out of the fucking car." I yelled no longer able to keep my cool.

"I said no." He said in that same detached voice.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I said trying to keep the hostility our of my voice.

"We need to talk." He said turning up a side street and heading out of town.

"We've already talked." I said turning to stare out the window.

"No, you talked. Now it's my turn." He said gunning the engine as we hit the outskirts of town. He was going so fast I was scared he'd lose control of the car. But I didn't say a word, all I did was grip the door handle tightly. pulled up to the same creek we stopped at the other night. It was twilight and the setting rays of the sun danced across the water. It was beautiful. Tim got out and sat on the trunk of the car, watching the sun set. I followed him but just stood there watching him. He looked so out of place here. There was nothing but flat pasture as far as the eye could see. Tim, with his greased hair and leather jacket with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, looked like he belong on a street corner somewhere. It was true to, that was where he belonged. That's where I thought he belonged, everyone thought that including him. But seeing him now as he took a deep breath and sighed I could literally see all the burdens he carries with him day after day just disappear. He looked peaceful, with his hard face softened by the gentle rays. I couldn't tare my gaze away from him.

"It's real pretty isn't it?" He said closing his eyes and tilting his head back slightly.

"Yeah, beautiful." I said just above a whisper.

"You were right ya know." He said turning to look me in the eye.

"About what?" I said hopping up on the trunk to sit beside him.

"Me not changing." He said looking straight through me. "It's not that I don't want to, maybe I don't, I don't know. I just…can't. I guess there comes a point in our lives when it's just to late ya know?" I kept eye contact with him while I ferociously blinking my tears away.

"I know." I said leaning closer to him. He wrapped his arm around me and we sat there, watching the sky until in was pitch black. I was shivering fiercely when we got back into the car. He gave me his jacket and I took it gratefully snuggling into it's warmth. It smelled of Old Spice and tobacco and the slightly spicy masculine sent that was Tim. He dropped me off and sped away after refusing to take the jacket back saying he'd get it later. Sitting on the porch wrapped in Tim's big leather jacket the tears came. No matter how much I do it, I don't think I'll ever get used to this whole crying thing.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

I didn't see Tim any after that. He didn't stop by the school anymore and he was never at his house when I was there.

"_Where's your brother." I asked Angela one afternoon. _

_"He's hardly ever home these days." She said with a shrug. "I'm sorry Ava, but you can't say I didn't warn you." She said when she saw my face fall. _

_"I know." I said putting on a smile. "It doesn't matter, I'll be leaving at the end of the summer anyway." _

_"That's true, maybe it's a good thing it didn't work out." She said trying to make me see the up side. _

_"Does he know?" I couldn't help but ask. Maybe if he knew I was leaving he'd want to see me at least once more before I go. _

_"Yeah, I told him yesterday." She said looking over my shoulder at a spot on the wall. _

_"What'd he say?" I asked biting my lip. _

_"Nothing." She said looking at me with sympathy. I just nodded my head and took a drink of my beer._

I couldn't blame him, it's not like I was going out of my way to see him. A part of me didn't even want to see him. It would just make things harder. But I couldn't help thinking about him, thinking about his kiss, his touch, his eyes, his arms around me. Having to look at his jacket hanging up in my closet didn't help at all. We never even had sex, but I felt more connected to him than I have any other guy in the past. He came into my life so suddenly and left just as quickly as he came. I told myself there was nothing to get over, we were never together. We went on one date. If that's the case then way do I feel like so much is missing? The phone rang jerking me out of my thoughts.

"Hello?" I said into the receiver.

"Hey. You wanna come over tonight? Darry's out of town with some friends so me and the guys are having a little get together." It was Pony.

"Are you sure that's a wise thing to do?" I asked with a smile.

"Yeah, it's just gonna be a few people." He said.

"Sure, I'll be over in a little bit." I said hanging up the phone and heading to the shower with a shake of my head. Pony and Soda have some gumption to through a party when Darry's out of town. But hell, if something happens it's their skin, not mine. I might as well get ripe roaring drunk I have nothing better to do.

I was walking towards Pony's when a car pulled up beside me. I didn't even look over. I was sure that it was Tim and honestly, I couldn't handle seeing him right now. So I just walked a little faster.

"Hey." Someone said. I spun around quickly, that wasn't Tim's voice.

"Well if it's not little miss valedictorian." There were two of them, I couldn't recall their names but I recognized the faces. I went to school with them, they were socs.

"Cat got your tongue smarty pants?" One of them said. He was wearing a navy sweater and kaki pants but his shirt tail was hanging out he had a pint of vodka in one hand and a beer in the other.

"Wanna drink?" He said as they inched closer to me.

"No thanks." I said backing up into a fence.

"Yeah, you're probably to smart to touch the stuff." The other guy said with sarcasm dripping off his lips. He had red hair and was wearing a bright yellow sweater. I thought my eyes were going to bleed from the clash of the two.

"Ya know, being smart don't change anything." The blonde one said. "You're still white trash, always have been, always will be." With that he tilted his beer bottle over my head. The liquid was a little warm at first. But I shivered slightly as a cool spring breeze blew by.

"Do you know who you're fucking with?" I asked in a voice just above a whisper.

"Yeah we do." The redhead said leaning closer until he was right in my face. "Big brother Dally got smoked by the big bad cops." He grinned evilly as he straightened back up. My face turned into stone in a matter of seconds. I felt the anger gripping my chest until I could hardly breath.

"Remember what happened last time ya'll tried to pick a fight on our turf." I said shacking my head. "Don't forget that poor little Bobby got smoked first." I gave him an evil grin of my own, two can play this game. The blonde guy raised his arm to take a swing at me but was stopped by the other guy. I saw my chance and took it. I ran like the wind. I guess I should have ran to Pony's house but I was closer to my own. I heard the slight scuffle behind me.

"We don't jump girls man." That must have been the redhead.

"You heard what she said." Then there was the sound of fabric ripping followed quickly by shoes pounding the pavement in pursuit. I decided in a split second to take a short cut, there's no way I could out run this guy on a straight shot to my house. So I turned abruptly into an ally just before you get to the DX. I turned the corner that led to the sidewalk on the other side. I should have came out right across the street from my house. I would have to if they weren't doing construction on my street. They had the exit to the ally blocked off with what looked like an attempt at a plywood fence. I stopped just before I ran into it. Turning around to see that the hunter had cornered his prey. I bent down to rest my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath as he walked towards me ever so slowly.

"Bob was my fucking cousin." He said, pure hate coated his voice. I raised my head and looked him in the eye, still gasping for breath.

"I'm sorry." I said, surprised that I meant it.

"Not as sorry as you're gonna be." He said raising his arm again. I flinched when he swung at my face and almost jumped out of my skin when I heard his fist bang against the wood not even an inch from my head. He was glaring at me with his jaw clenched. I glared right back at him soaked to the bone in beer and shacking from the cold.

"You're not worth it." He snarled at me. "You're not worth getting a rep as a woman beater. You're not worth the energy it would take. Your not even worth the air you're breathing right now. And you sure as hell don't deserve to be valedictorian or the scholarship it comes with. You'll always be trash no mater where you are." He spat at me then walked away. I just stood there for a few minutes blinking back tears. What was I supposed to do? Hit him or something? He was two times my size he would have killed me. What was I supposed to say? There's nothing I could say. Yeah I could've told him he was wrong. I would make something of myself, I'm not trash and I do deserve the scholarship. But he wouldn't have believed me, it wouldn't change a thing so why waste my breath? I finally shock myself out of it and started walking towards Pony's house again. Maybe I'll make it there this time. I thought with a laugh. I had to laugh it off, if I didn't I might actually start to believe everything that guy said. He doesn't even know me but he seems to have my life pegged pretty accurately. My mom doesn't think I'm worth her love and affection. I wasn't worth anything to my dad before he got hauled off to the slammer when I was little. The part that really gets me is the fact that the one person in this world that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt loved me, was Dally. But obviously I was wrong about that since he didn't stop to think about me before going and getting himself killed. How can I believe that I'm worth anything when all I've been shown is the exact opposite of that?


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

"Why are you wet? Is it raining or something?" Pony asked as soon as I walked in the door.

"Don't ask, it's a long story." I said bitterly. The last thing I wanted to do was get these guys riled up, especially when they've been drinking. So I kept my mouth shut about the little encounter I had. Luckily they didn't pry any further. There were a few people scattered about the living room. Steve and Evie, Soda and some blonde girl that looked like she could be Sandy's sister were at the table playing cards. Two Bit and Cathy, and Pony all by his lonesome.

"Where's Katie?" I asked sitting down beside him.

"At work, she'll be here in about thirty minutes." He said getting up and handing me a beer.

"Pony, why did you invite me? It seems like this is a couple's thing." I said, more than a little annoyed.

"Who knows maybe someone will show up a little later." He said with a small grin. My stomach contracted with anger and disbelief as well as anxiety and a small amount of hope. I felt like I was gonna puke.

"What the hell did you do?" I said knowing the answer to that before I even asked. I've known Pony too long, I should have seen this coming.

"Nothing." He said in an innocent voice that didn't fool me for one second.

"Tell me or I'm leaving right now." I threatened and saw his face light up as I realized my mistake.

"So if I do tell you, you'll stay?" He said with a wicked grin.

"Yeah, I'll stay for right now, but if he shows up I swear to god Ponyboy…"

"Just calm down alright. Look you've got enough shit on your plate to deal with right now without the added emotions of this whole Tim thing. You two need to talk this over, communicate ya know." He took a deep breath to continue his rant.

"We've already talked, there's nothing left to say. He made it perfectly clear that he couldn't and wouldn't change. It doesn't matter anyway, in a few months I'll be long gone." I said crossing my arms and leaning back. I stiffened as I heard footsteps on the porch. I stood up as the front door opened reveling Tim and a short little black headed girl wrapped under his arm.

"I told him not to bring a date." Pony whispered to me. It was hard to hear him with everyone calling out greetings. The girl took Tim's arms off her shoulder and smiled up at him before walking to the kitchen where the rest of the girls were fixing drinks. Tim's stare was cold and hard as he looked from me to Pony. I tilted my chin slightly as I meet his eyes. It took every ounce of control I had to hold his stare. My eyes narrowed in anger. I didn't understand why I was suddenly consumed with a blinding rage unlike any I had ever felt in my life. I tried to hide my anger but it was impossible. The trembling started in my legs and worked its way up until every muscle in my body was shaking with an enormous amount to tension. Every nerve was stretched to capacity. My blood turned to ice as it raced through my body towards my head. The sounds around me faded away as my heart pounded in my ears. Thu thump, thu thump, thu thump. It increased rapidly. I had to get out of there; I had to leave before I did or said something stupid, something I'd regret. With my fists balled up and my teeth clenched I stalked towards the door and pushed past Tim. It was then that it happened. I made the horrible and potentially fatal mistake of ramming my shoulder into his with all my strength. The force of the unexpected blow caused him to stumble back a few steps. If it weren't for the porch railing he would have fallen right on his ass. In my anger induced high I almost laughed as the possibility. As a matter of fact I almost laughed at his stumble. Thankfully I caught myself before I did. One look at his face and I knew that in that second I had pushed him to his breaking point. One more mishap and he probably wouldn't realize what he was doing until it was over and I was dead.

"What the fuck is your problem Winston?" He whispered ferociously.

"You." It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I guess he wasn't the only one that had reached breaking point. His eyes were filled with something that resembled hate. I didn't understand that and it just fueled my anger.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" His voice was vicious. The smart thing to do was walk away. Just keep my mouth shut and walk away, if I valued my life that's what I should do. I knew that but at the moment I didn't care. In the back of my mind I wondered if that's what Dally felt in his last moments, contempt for everyone and everything. Was he full of an incontrollable anger that pushed all logical thinking aside? I suddenly realized that I was coming to be just like my brother. That realization was like gas to the fire inside of me. And just like that, I exploded.

"Stop looking at me like that. I'm through with cowering away. I'm not a fucking dog, so don't look at me like one." I said standing my ground. He was obviously taken aback by my words.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" Tim asked visibly trying to restraining himself.

"I'm just sick and tired of your shit; your little sob story, trying to get all close then showing your true colors." I was shacking with rage just like he was.

"You need to shut your mouth before I do something I'll regret." he said through clenched teeth.

"Then do it Tim, and blame it on your brothers' death just like everything else in your life." I gasped as the words flew out of my mouth. They were venom designed to hit and kill. Kill anything that he once felt for me, kill any tiny chance there was for us to work things out. In the end those words could possibly be the death of me. I regretted it as soon as I saw Tim register what I said. Time stood still as he closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath. I saw the range of emotions play themselves out on his usually blank face. I saw the rage and anger. The disbelief and confusion, but most of all I saw the raw pain of old wounds being ripped back open; old scars being cut deeper than before. When his eyes opened I knew I was a goner. He slammed me up against the house hard enough to knock the breath out of me. Even as I waited he didn't raise his fist. He just stared into my eyes. The hate wasn't there anymore. All I saw was torment and pain mixed with his rage.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. Tears filled my eyes. Tim was being pulled back by Steve and Soda. I realized that everyone was out on the porch or peaking out from the doorway. When had they got here? How much did they hear? There was no need for him to be physically restrained. Pure disbelief covered his face. He wouldn't look away from me.

"Tim, I'm sorry." I said taking a step forward. My words feel on deaf ears. He took a step back.

"Tim?" I said slowly reaching out to him. He jerked away before abruptly turning and walking towards the street.

"Tim." I yelled at his back moving to follow him. Sodapop caught my arm and pulled me back.

"Let him go." Soda said tightening his grip as I tried to pull away.

"No, Tim" I called so loudly my voice echoed in the still night air. I franticly tried to get away so I could go to him. I had to make him see how sorry I was. I had to tell him how I really felt. He didn't look back as his body was swallowed by the darkness.

"It's better this way." Soda said with a hard edge to his voice. I looked up at him as I jerked my arm free.

"Don't ever touch me again." I said my eyes narrowed into angry slits. I glared at each and every one of them before walking off into the night in the direction that Tim had gone. I wouldn't be able to sleep until I found him.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I wondered around aimlessly, having long ago lost track of what I was doing or where I was going. How did I come to this place? How the hell did I get to this point? It wasn't a place I wanted to be, it wasn't a place I was comfortable with. The anger was addicting, more so than any drug I've ever tried. I realized just how easy it was to hate, how easy it was to not give a damn. That scared me. What if I reach a point where I can't turn back? What if I wind up like Tim and Dally? That's what I'm doing, that's where I'm headed. I'm on jet plane headed straight to Dally's world and I don't know how to turn around. I don't know how to stop myself from spiraling down into the dark place my brother lived in for his entire life. Maybe it's something I can't run from. I've spent my whole life trying. I've spent my whole life fighting it. It's an everyday struggle, fighting the anger and hate, the violence and bitterness that resides in everyone that comes from this neighborhood. Nobody realizes how hard it is to stay calm; to let things roll off your back. It takes so much energy to stay positive and light hearted. It's hard as hell and here lately it's quickly becoming damn near impossible. Maybe I should just give up and embrace my place in life.

I saw Tim sitting under a street lamp across the street from the park. I hesitated, wondering weather or not I should go to him. As I looked at him sitting there with his elbows on his knees his head buried in his hands I couldn't walk away. I approached him slowly, cautiously but not making an effort to walk silently. The worst thing to do around here is sneak up on someone in the middle of the night. I wanted him to know I was coming. He didn't look up as I sat down beside him. Raising my hand, I hesitated once again before lightly touching his shoulder. He still didn't look up but I saw his jaw clench and felt his muscles contract under my palm. I took my hand away and looked straight ahead. I had to say something, but what? What could I possibly say that would fix this? Words couldn't fix it, it was beyond repair. Tim turned his head to look at me. His eyes searched my face, for what, I don't know. I stared back at him, not trusting myself to speak. Willing him to see how sorry I was by the look in my eyes. I screamed at him in my head. _'I would never hurt you Tim; I'm sorry, so sorry… I love you. Can't you see that???' _He kept starring at me; his eyes were blank, just a void of nothingness. I shock my head knowing he was beyond my reach now.

I didn't know what to do or say with him staring at me like that. I couldn't apologize, words were meaningless now. I wish they had been meaningless three hours ago. All I could do was show him how sorry I was. He didn't move as I placed my hands on his cheeks. He didn't flinch as I leaned forward and placed my lips on his. There was no response, no warmth in his lips, no move to kiss me back. I felt like someone was squeezing all of the blood out of my heart. I pulled back and looked into his eyes, they were still blank. I bit my lip and closed my eyes to keep the tears from spilling over. I turned to get up. Before I knew what was happening he reached out and jerked me back hard. His mouth found mine and the coldness was long gone. The kiss was intense, full of need and passion and anger. He was rough but I didn't care I was still angry myself.

I kissed him like I'd never kissed anybody before in my life. I put everything I had into that kiss. All the anger, love, resentment, disappointment, distrust; all of my pain and bitterness, everything, I put everything behind that kiss. I threw my leg over his and began shifting my weight wanting to be as close as I could to him. I felt his hands on my waist as he situated me into a straddling position on his lap. I wanted to take away all the hurt I had caused. I wanted to make him happy, make him forget; I grinded myself onto his increasingly swelling bulge as I sucked his tongue into my mouth. I swallowed his moan as I increased the tempo. He placed one hand around the nape of my neck and clenched my ass with the other. He began moving underneath me and it was my turn to moan. I broke the kiss; gasping for breath I clutched his shirt. Without saying a word he stood up with my legs still wrapped around his waist. Sitting me on the ground he grabbed my hand and walked towards his car. Once we were inside he started the engine, giving me a wicked grin he took off towards his house. I was so turned on I still couldn't think straight. By the time we pulled into his driveway all the emotions I had been feeling melted into one, desire. It was the most intense desire I had ever felt.

We were all over each other as soon as he shut his bedroom door. Before I could gain my balance from his forceful embrace he had backed me up until I collapsed onto the bed, bringing him with me. He caught himself with his forearms and deepened the kiss. His hands were all over me, between my legs, on my breasts, gripping my ass. He was almost frantic. I reached down between us and felt his erection through his pants. He moaned softly as I wrapped my hand around it as far as it would go with the restriction of his jeans. He pulled away quickly standing up and ripping his cloths off. I did the same and scooted up to prop myself up on his pillows. My mind was racing, asking myself what the hell am I doing? Tim silenced the voice in my head with a long kiss. He rose up a bit and looked down at me. His eyes were full of lust as were mine.

Without a word I wrapped my legs around his waist bringing him closer to me. With one smooth thrust he was inside of me. A look a pure ecstasy crossed his face. I bit back a scream and tried to catch my breath. He was bigger than I had imagined. He paused giving me time to grow accustom to the invasion. I moaned loudly as he started working back and forth slowly increasing the tempo with every sound that escaped my mouth. His mouth was on my breast, flicking his tongue across my nipple. He braced himself with one hand beside my head; his other hand was caught between our bodies as he rubbed my clit expertly. I though I was going to die it felt so good. I kneaded his shoulders and back, relishing in the hard muscles that slipped back and forth beneath my palms. He raised his head up to lean his forehead against mine. His breath was coming in short pants. I rolled my hips up to meet him and he groaned. The sound was pure heaven. I raking my fingers down his back as the pressure started to build up inside me. He kissed me as he started pounding faster and faster. His hand was rubbing my clit at an almost painful pace. I couldn't hold back the scream that erupted from my mouth as I climaxed. His pace didn't slow. I didn't know if I could take it.

"Tim, oh fuck, Tim." I said breathlessly. I was just about to tell him to stop when I felt the pressure building up again. An ear splitting scream echoed through the empty house as I came again and again, then yet again.

"Oh, shit Ava." Tim said, his voice strained as his own orgasm took over his body. He collapsed and rolled over beside me. Pulling me closer to him so I could rest my head on his chest, he placed a kiss to my crown. We laid there for what seemed like forever both of us basking in the glow that always comes after particularly good sex. I was almost asleep when his voice filled the still room.

"Ava." He said prompting me to look at him. "I'm sorry." My eyes stung as I saw the guilt written all over his face.

"You regret it already?" I said with slight disbelief. How could I be such a dumb ass? Why did I let it go this far?

"No, I don't. It's not that. I'm sorry if I gave you any false hope." He said looking directly at me.

"Tim, I knew what was happening. I know we've already established the fact that we can't be together. I thought I told you I was different than the others. I know the deal and I don't expect anything more." I said with more confidence than I felt. I gave him a warm smile as I felt another small part of me die. I was rewarded for my efforts with a kiss and a grin from him. Tim got up to jump in the shower real quick. Five minutes later I jumped in.

He was asleep when I walked back into his room. I toweled my hair and got a blanket to sleep on the couch.

"Ava," He said in a groggy voice as I opened his door to leave. "Sleep here." He pulled the covers back for me and I slipped into bed.

"Tim, I'm more than happy to sleep on the couch." I said as he wrapped a strong arm around me.

"Shhh lets just have tonight okay." He said as he pulled my body up snuggly against his. I forced my mind to go blank. Blocking out my past and my future I concentrated on this moment in time. I matched my breathing to his and soon I was asleep. I slept dreamlessly, peacefully. It was the best night's sleep I'd had since Dally died. It was probably the best night's sleep I'd ever had. Before my mind completely faded into unconsciousness I prayed that this night would never end.


End file.
